PR guru: Woods should apologize

Tiger Woods is the first person in history, according to ESPN's Rick Reilly, "to run his car into a hydrant and set himself on fire."

So what does the world's best golfer do about his image-shredding sex scandal?

Reilly put the question to Las Vegas public relations guru Dave Kirvin.

The first stop on Woods' road to redemption, said Kirvin, "has to be Oprah."

And Tiger's public apology should go something like this, Kirvin said:

"To my wife, to my kids, to my family, to my friends, to my fans, I am so sorry. You believed in me. You looked up to me. You thought I was different, and I let you down. I'm ashamed of myself. My mom is ashamed of me. I'm sure my dad would be ashamed of me. I'm an idiot. ... From this day forward, you will never see somebody work harder, 24 hours a day, to win back your trust."

"The sooner he makes his public act of contrition, the sooner he takes the oxygen out of the story," Kirvin told Reilly.

After that, Woods should disappear for a while. Skip San Diego, skip the Masters, maybe even skip the U.S. Open, he told Reilly.

"Tiger needs to prove to his wife, Elin, sponsors and fans," wrote Reilly, paraphrasing Kirvin, "that morality is more important than majors."

Tiger's to-do list should include a housecleaning of his inner circle, putting his sponsors and their gazillions in sponsorship on hold and writing a check to his charity for $5 million, with the stipulation that he'll be back to help, but after a break.

CHECKING OUT CHER

Cher's army of gay fans no doubt found this an unlikely sighting at her show Wednesday.

Former Republican U.S. House Majority Leader Dick Armey and his wife, Susan, were celebrating their 29th anniversary at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace.

In 1996, Armey stirred the political pot when he famously referred to U.S. Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., as "Barney Fag" during a press interview.

Armey apologized, but Frank, who had publicly come out as gay in 1987, did not accept Armey's explanation that it was "a slip of the tongue."

"I turned to my expert, my mother," said Frank, "who reports that in 59 years of marriage, no one ever introduced her as Elsie Fag."

SIGHTINGS

Paul Teutel Sr., of "Orange County Choppers," at the Las Vegas Convention Center on Tuesday for the Power-Gen International conference. He was checking out an electric motorcycle.

THE PUNCH LINE

"Two adult films stars, five cocktail waitresses, a restaurant hostess, a restaurant manager, three ladies dancing, eight maids a' milking, and a part-time Hooters trainee." -- late-night TV host Jimmy Kimmel, on Us Weekly putting Woods' mistress count at 12.

Norm Clarke can be reached at (702) 383-0244 or norm@reviewjournal.com. Find additional sightings and more online at www.normclarke.com.