You can’t handle Handler’s truth

Six luscious things about lush-ish Chelsea Handler, the committed drinker of vodka and bringer of hard truths:

1. Rumors spread that Handler might be a good hire for "Good Morning America" because the comedian's talk show on "E!" is a hit and because she's written two best-sellers about sex and "little people."

But Handler -- telling jokes Nov. 14 at Caesars' Colosseum -- tells me she isn't interested.

"My impetus has never been cash," she says. "I'm not trying to make $50 million in four years.

"I'm just trying to get my nephews' and nieces' colleges paid for. After that, all bets are off. My dog probably won't even eat again."

2. Her third book of life essays, "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang," comes out in March.

"There's some stuff in there about my childhood, like, when I started masturbating when I was 9. It's called 'The Feeling.' "

She also writes in "Bang Bang" about her dog, brothers and dad -- "a real mess" who hasn't yet signed a consent form to let her publish what she's written about him.

"My father is the most litigious (expletive) in the world, and he IS somebody who would try to get money out of me."

3. Despite rumors to the contrary, she's still with lover Ted Harbert (her boss, as CEO of Comcast, which owns "E!").

If their relationship turns south, is Ted worried she'd talk smack about him?

"I don't know what he's worried about because he left the room already, and he left a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of water on the floor, and I don't know who he thinks is going to clean it up because it's certainly not going to be me, and I don't see a cleaning lady yet."

No seriously, is Ted worried he'll get Chelsea Handled if the relationship tanks?

"I think he's more worried about his career," she says. "If we broke up, they'd be more worried about keeping me than him at this point because he's proven himself to be not that productive."

Because Chelsea talks so much, can Ted get a word in edgewise?

"Ted talks incessantly. He talks, talks, talks, talks."

How did they even pair up?

"Basically, I'm trapped and there's no way to get away. So it's easier to stay than it is to leave."

4. She's sexed fewer people than fans think, despite writing a book titled "My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands."

"In the book, I have sex with five or six people. But just because there are 12 chapters, and it talks about sex, people assume I've had sex with 50.

"I didn't. I just talked about it. People exponentially magnify everything."

5. She claims not to hate people, as hate is a wasted emotion. But at my request, she lists the five worst living people: "The balloon boy's dad. He's really a loser." Dick Cheney. Reality TV couple Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. And "Ananaminajajaagagah" (aka Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad).

The Kardashians?

"They're very sweet, but you know what sweet is a sign of? ... What other words start with an 'S'? Stupid and slutty."

Paris and Nicky Hilton?

"Those girls are disgusting."

"Paris came up to me once and said, 'I really like your show.' I said, 'No! You can't like my show. Do you even know who I am, or can you hear?' I've never said anything short of calling her the biggest slut in town and that she has herpes.

"I think she's over. Nobody really talks about her anymore, so that's refreshing."

6. Chelsea doesn't think of herself as the smartest person in a room, generally speaking.

"I really feel very stupid, actually. This show has killed my brain cells because I'm constantly having to read tabloids and watch reality television. I mean, how many times can you watch Samantha Harris on 'Dancing with the Stars' before you want to stab yourself in the eye?"

Doug Elfman's column appears Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. E-mail delfman@reviewjournal.com. The blog's at reviewjournal.com/elfman.