Co-parenting code suggests cordial interactions with ex

I'm in a (divorced) co-parenting relationship that is, unfortunately, not working. I am wishing that you would write a column on a co-parenting code of conduct.

Truth be told, I keep a copy of your "mean people" column in my nightstand to pull out and read when I receive yet another verbal kick in the stomach by my son's dad. It helps to remind me of the truth and my quest to render my ex irrelevant, rather than follow my urge to fight back.

Anyway, almost daily I receive nasty awful e-mails about what a horrible parent I am, and sometimes I just want to retreat or give up. But that would leave my son in a sole relationship with a verbally abusive man. And that's not going to happen.

-- V.B. Las Vegas

May I suggest that post-marital co-parenting relationships fall broadly into three types, because post-marital relationships tend to fall broadly into three types. And therefore there are three different codes of conduct.

OPTIMAL

When post-marital co-parenting relationships are optimal, they are marked by respectful, "good faith" presence and participation. There abides a reciprocal respect and appreciation for the former mate's qualities as a mother or father, respectively.

It is understood that each parent has strengths and weaknesses, and, just as it would be if the marriage was still thriving, the parents are a team, dividing the duties equitably with an eye toward maximizing respective strengths and mitigating respective weaknesses.

Each partner keeps the other informed. The partners regularly compare notes about behavioral issues, discipline strategies, school performance and academic expectations. As much as possible, standards and practices are held in common in each household.

The co-parents are faithful to the custody agreement. They are faithful in commitments to time, pickups and dropoffs. The child is ready to go when it's time to go.

Parents don't always agree. Parents make mistakes. Just as in a thriving marriage, divorced co-parents negotiate these two points. Each grants the other an audience for critical feedback. Each is accountable.

Each is an unwavering advocate for the child's relationship with the other. Should the child be angry with one parent and vent this to the other, the latter supports and encourages the child to attend to the conflicted or estranged relationship -- to repair it! He/she never exploits the conflict to buttress some special alliance postured against the other parent.

Note that the Optimal Code of Conduct does not require "friendship" between the formerly married partners. In fact, relative affection is beside the point.

COLD WAR

I use "Cold War" to describe post-marital relationships that still contain a significant amount of pain, disappointment and loss of respect.

The Cold War Code of Conduct is all of the above. The only difference is the way we guard our energy as regards interactions with the ex. Necessary verbal exchanges are cordial but brief and businesslike. There is little or no social banter or polite inquiry to the other's personal life. Time in the ex's company is restricted to what is necessary - for example, a teacher's conference, religious observation, pickups and dropoffs.

In short, the only difference in the Cold War Code of Conduct is that the partners offer themselves, each other and the child a gift: to wit, to mitigate and manage contact in a way that allows both for healing and greatly lessens the chance of open conflict.

I say again: Divorcing or divorced people have absolutely no reason to fight. Only people working on a great relationship have reason to argue.

OPEN WARFARE

If your ex is belittling you, profaning you, repeatedly inviting you into arguments old and new, undermining you as a mother, or in any other way not to be trusted with your essential dignity, then we are forced to deploy the Open Warfare Code of Conduct. This Code of Conduct is not for your ex. It's designed for your psycho-emotional survival and the best interest of your child.

We surrender all expectations for co-parenting, per se.

We follow the custody agreement to the letter. We accept that there is nothing we can do about what goes on at the other house.

But, most important, we never engage or participate in a conversation with our ex, verbal or written, that is not respectful. Essentially, we do our legal duty as regards our ex, but beyond that, think of ourselves as a single parent.

Ideal? Of course not. But better for you and your child than allowing yourself to be regularly savaged by another's indulgent spite.

Originally published in View News, Nov. 9, 2010.