Comedian Lewis Black: Nonvoters lose right to bitch

Mirage headliner Lewis Black has a bipartisan message for “all 10 people who are voting” in today’s off-year elections around America.

“Vote for somebody,” Black says. “Check their IQ for starters. Maybe that would be good. Do an IQ test to see if they know their left hand from their right hand.

“If you don’t vote, you don’t get to bitch” about politicians who win, he says. “The bonus of voting is bitching.”

Black — who performs Friday and Saturday at The Mirage — says Americans have come together at last, because only 12 or 13 percent of us think Congress is doing a good job, according to public polling.

“The people we elect aren’t bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. How do we know that? Because 87 percent of us agree Congress is a piece of (expletive).

“To give you an idea of just how much we hate Congress, in a poll taken recently, the American public likes France more.”

When Black performs at The Mirage, he may have to write new post-election jokes based on results from today’s off-year elections in New Jersey, Massachusetts and elsewhere.

“There’s always going to be somebody who, after they get elected, they say something so profoundly stupid, you go, ‘Wow, I get to just go onstage and read it?’ ”

Black says it is dumb how little Congress has been getting done. That’s why Black — a baby boomer who wishes he were a Generation-Xer — says he wants America to legalize marijuana. Not to get high, necessarily, but as an excuse.

“My generation needs a legacy. We’re going to have to legalize pot. That way, people will look back and they’ll be able to say, ‘That’s the generation that legalized pot, and they didn’t get anything done.’ ”

TV PEOPLE

Paris headliner Taylor Hicks will pop up onto your “Law & Order: SVU” show Wednesday night. Hicks, who won “American Idol,” will portray a character who is a judge on a TV singing show.

In other words, this TV role as a TV music-show judge will be the first TV acting gig for Hicks, who got famous on TV for winning a TV-music show. TV, TV, TV.

NEW YEAR’S WEEK PERFORMERS

Imagine Dragons have been added to Vegas’ New Year’s week schedule. The Vegas-bred hit pop band will perform Monday, Dec. 30, in The Joint at the Hard Rock Hotel. Tickets go on sale 10 a.m. Friday for $80 and up.

So at this point, New Year’s Eve (a Tuesday) and the four nights leading up to it appear healthy:

Joe Rogan on Friday, Dec. 27 at The Mirage; Jerry Seinfeld on Dec. 27 at Caesars; Jim Norton on Dec. 27 and Dec. 29 at Hard Rock Hotel; Britney Spears on Dec. 27-28 and Dec. 30-31 at Planet Hollywood; Boyz II Men on Dec. 27-29 at The Mirage; Steve Miller Band and Doobie Brothers on Dec. 28 at Hard Rock Hotel; Robin Thicke on Dec. 29 at the Palms; Bruno Mars on Dec. 29 and Dec. 31 at The Cosmopolitan; Celine Dion on Dec. 30-31 at Caesars; Fleetwood Mac on Dec. 30 at MGM; and The Dan Band on Dec. 30 at House of Blues.

FLICKERS

Another movie premiere is heading to Planet Hollywood. On Nov. 20, the action film “Homefront” will get an early screening, and we shall see which stars show up for the red carpet. It’s a good cast: Jason Statham, Kate Bosworth, James Franco, Winona Ryder, and the screenwriter is … Sly Stallone.

Doug Elfman’s column appears on Page 3A in the main section on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. He also writes for Neon on Fridays. Email him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.