It’s not just men who run away from relationships

Why do men just run away? Do they ever, at any time, come to the realization of their actions and admit to themselves that they were wrong and try to right those wrongs? Or do most men just keep going, having done the damage and never try to restore or redeem themselves? What is it that has to happen to make a difference to them to turn themselves around?

-- M.M., Las Vegas

I tell myself, as I read your question, that you are sharing with me not one or two experiences, but a history of experiences. I'm saying I decided not to take you literally. I decided to believe that you know men don't "just run away," any more than women just run away.

I would say that, when the work of love gets tough, men and women run away at just about the same rate. I might be willing to say that, generally speaking, men and women tend to run away differently. The genders tend to hone to their own peculiar motifs.

Some men run away. And some women. I'm assuming, then, your over-generalization is more hyperbole used to tell me about your history with men -- a history that sounds painful and disappointing.

For the record, M.M., it's tempting to view the first 50 years of my own life as littered with women who run away. But I can't give in to that temptation; not because that view is inaccurate, but because it's not the whole truth. For me, pathos is easy. Radical responsibility is the higher calling. And the radically responsible view is that I have been, in the past, a master at never sharing my whole heart (read: running away).

The whole truth is that there are scores of ways to run away from the work of great love. Actually breaking up or divorcing is one way. You also can dodge the work with your favorite compulsion: overeating, drinking, gambling, pornography, affairs, etc. Or, you can disguise your unwillingness to share your whole heart with the pretense of nobility by disappearing into vocation, child rearing, volunteerism or "being religious." Or you can commit a kind of "marital suicide," telling yourself your mate would be better off without you.

My preferred strategies for dodging the work of intimacy (running away) are, historically, intellectualizing and "being a nice guy." Whatever.

Giving up on the work of loving, growing partnership is another way to run away. And only some people give up and then end the relationship. Lots of folks give up and don't leave. He/she just eats and sleeps and goes to work. Stares at you. Risking nothing. Saying nothing. Changing nothing. And it's just toxic to be partnered with someone who will neither choose you nor let you go.

You wonder, M.M., if these people who run away ever come to the realization of their actions and admit they were wrong. And the first thing I thought of, of course, is it is often exactly this realization that makes them run away!

Do some people who do damage to their love relationship never try to restore or redeem themselves? Yep. As a matter of fact. Because accepting their mates' forgiveness is just one more thing they can't/won't take the risk of trusting.

What turns people around? What makes people resist the temptation to run away?

I have no idea.

See, it's like, I have no idea why after 20 years of drinking someone finally goes to Alcoholics Anonymous. Or finally decides to quit smoking. Or lose weight. Or start exercising. When it comes to the mystery of human transformation and change, I tend to wax theological, recalling the Greek word that the Christian Gospels use: metanoia. It means "to come to your senses, to turn around, to change your mind." It is more than mere human will. It's inspiration. Literally.

Hell is real, see. It's the "place" we "go" when we refuse to be known and loved. And you don't have to die to go there. All you have to do is keep running away.

Originally published in View News, Dec. 22, 2009.