Living with integrity, responsibility a barometer of self-esteem

What is self-esteem?

During my study of objectivism, I read many of the books written by Nathaniel Brandon, namely "The Psychology of Self-Esteem," and later, "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem." Brandon had claimed that the concept of self-esteem had been used by many in education in a politically correct way to justify and implement feel-good policies that had nothing to do with what he defined as self-esteem.

Today, when I read articles such as yours that include the concept of self-esteem, I am always led back to the question of what concept is the author truly speaking of? I understand the concept from Brandon's perspective, but I have never understood the concept from the politically correct point of view, nor now do I understand what is your personal and professional point of view.

-- J.H., Las Vegas

I've enjoyed and admired the work of Nathaniel Brandon, especially for the reason you cite. Brandon's approach is rational. He avoids the saccharine slide into feel good pabulum one-liners.

(Quick aside: Brandon's book "The Psychology of Romantic Love" is a readable and useful contribution. I recommend it.)

My friends and colleagues know that I'm on alert when I hear the word self-esteem. I'm immediately suspicious. Much more often than not, perseverations about self-esteem are distractions to the work of living well. Crutches. Dodges. Red herrings. So much pop-cultural blah-blah-blah.

It's a virtual cliche for modern patients in therapy to self-diagnose with "I need to work on my self-esteem." It rarely turns out to be a correct diagnosis.

I much prefer to focus on self-respect. Self-regard. A conscious and responsible self-acceptance. Because there are times when I have had sufficient self-respect to recognize that I do not hold my behavior, my tone/attitude or my words in high esteem. Enough self-respect to admit when these things do not deserve to be esteemed.

The capacity and willingness to feel an authentic remorse, regret and disappointment in self is, ironically, a key ingredient to an eventual return to the only self-esteem worth having -- a true celebration of a whole self discovered through the work of facing ourselves as we are.

Here's a dirty little secret: If you argue backward from the implications of their behavior and choices, people generally have terrific self-esteem! The default posture of human beings is to think pretty darn highly of themselves.

I can hear it now: "Oh, you're wrong, Steven! People are crippled with low opinions about themselves! They need affirmation. Validation. They need to hear they are loved and worthy and special!"

No, actually, they don't. Feel-good speeches tend to bounce off modern neurotics like bullets bounce off body armor. In fact, continuing in such speeches tends to become conscripted into the patient's problem.

What people need is to tell the truth and then to live with integrity. Self-loathing is, ironically, a consequence of narcissism -- not humility. When I was a priest, I used to say it this way to pilgrims making their strident, anguished case for unforgiveability: "OK, 'For God so loved the world' (emphasis mine) ... except for you? The work of redemption in the life of Jesus set the entire cosmos free from sin and death ... except for you? Well. Hmm. Aren't you ... remarkable. The one person in the history of time whose dereliction is more powerful than God."

That little speech invariably changed the tone, direction and energy of pastoral counseling. And for the better.

My friend, Nate Larkin, would say it even better in his terrific book "Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood." Nate says we combine narcissism and self-loathing so brilliantly that both are invisible to us. In such moments, we become "the piece of (expletive) around which the entire world revolves."

Yikes.

J.H., if I am to advocate for increasing folks' self-esteem -- and I confess I don't often think consciously in those terms -- then my strategy to that end is to have relentlessly high expectations of patients. My friends, too, for that matter. Truth, the willingness to live consciously, responsibility, accountability, integrity -- these are the "life works" that lead to a truly free and authentic celebration of self.

Aka, self-esteem.

Originally published in View News, Feb. 10, 2009.