Prepare for consequences when enforcing rules

Last week I called the police on my teenage son, stepchildren and two friends. They all smoke marijuana. I I know I cannot stop that behavior. I have asked them repeatedly to at least respect my rules of no alcohol, drugs or marijuana usage IN MY HOME. Last time we had an incident, I told them if I caught them again, I was calling the police ... and so I did. Well, all the kids managed to elude the police, except for my own child. To say the least, he hates me at the moment. He has already had probation and fines in (the) past (as well as have several of the other kids, plus they had rehab and boot camp for juvenile incidents).

Many people, including my partner, have condemned me for taking the action of calling police. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. I was following through on the consequences we had set for breaking the house rules again. It appears I will lose my four-year relationship with my boyfriend over this, and maybe the love of my son. (It is the second time I have turned him over to police for marijuana.)

Is there any other advice you can offer on how to deal with this type of activity again? The kids are all angry at me. I have told them and my boyfriend that they should be upset with themselves. They are the ones who chose to break the rules, again. They knew the consequence I had placed; they just NEVER thought that I would follow through.

-- J., Las Vegas

Coincidentally, my July 11 column (Human Matters: Choose battles carefully when parenting teens, Las Vegas Review-Journal) was about raising teenagers. I said there, and I say again here, it is important that parents of teenagers assemble a list of "Things I'm Willing to Die For." Meaning, a list of things you will never negotiate, tolerate or normalize. Boundaries that will never budge. Ever.

Drug use is on my list of "Things I'm Willing to Die For." Is it on yours?

Because, if it is, then my advice to you is next time take pains to be sneakier when you call the police, so that the stepkids and friends don't make a successful getaway.

Yep, you read it right. I'll see that my children go to jail before I'll do nothing about their drug behavior, let alone make my home a sanctuary for that behavior.

But what if calling the police threatened the loss of my son's love for me?

Answer: It would hurt ... for about 15 seconds. Then it would flat state, "Let me see if I have this straight, boy!" (Note I did not say "man.") "Unless I provide my tacit approval (through inaction) of your drug use, and provide you a domicile in which to use drugs with impunity, then you won't love me?

"Is that it? Then let me be clear: Your love, thusly defined, isn't worth having. Because it isn't love. It's the tantrum of a child who is personally offended to find that rules and boundaries do, in point of fact, apply to him, too.

"Get a life. I couldn't have been more clear. I can't stop you from using drugs, but I can and will enforce a 'zero tolerance' policy regarding drugs and drug use in my home. And, speaking of love, there's a place to start. Love is respecting the rules in my home. Nurture whatever opinion you'd like regarding me and my house rules. But, respect those rules, and we'll get along just fine."

Regarding your boyfriend/partner ...

Your letter refers to "the consequences we had set ...." Do you mean the two of you agreed on the rule no drugs or drug use in the house? And, then, did the two of you agree that police intervention was one possible consequence?

If so, then what conclusion can I draw but that your boyfriend has thrown you under the co-parenting bus and has the audacity to blame you for the mangled consequences. On the other hand, if you called the police on a first-time offense without consulting your boyfriend/partner, then I'd say he has a case for his anger.

"In my home," you say. Not, "in our home." Is this significant, J? Even before this recent drama of drugs, kids and police, I'm asking if you and your boyfriend/partner were sufficiently clear with yourself and each other on what cohabitation and blended family mean.

My intuition says you two were not sufficiently clear.

Originally published in View News, July 20, 2010.