6 ways to stop fighting about money in your relationship

Three in 10 Americans have told a financial fib to a spouse or partner, according to research by ForbesWoman and the National Endowment for Financial Education released in 2013. Additionally, GOBankingRates found in a recent study that being secretive about finances is a top financial quality people don’t like in their romantic partners.

Do financial white lies really matter? The survey from ForbesWoman suggests yes. Among couples impacted by financial infidelity, 67 percent said the deception led to arguments, 42 percent said it eroded trust and 27 percent said it led to separation or divorce.

How to Keep an Open Financial Relationship

If financial stressors are plaguing your relationship, turn the spotlight on your financial relationship. Come clean if you’ve been fibbing. It’s natural to only portray the positive qualities about you, especially when you’re first dating someone; however, as relationships grow it becomes a much bigger deal if you’ve been lying about your income, debts, credit and spending habits.

Talk through frustration you might be harboring over your partner’s spending or penny-pinching ways, or differences in take-home pay and financial contributions to the relationship. Define what financial fidelity means to you and then follow through on your commitments. It can be easy enough to hide the truth about your financial circumstances when going on occasional dates, especially if you take turns paying for things; however, once a home, family and joint accounts come into play, you don’t want your loved one to feel like he’s been misled throughout your relationship.

To help you open up about your finances, here are six lessons distilled from interviews conducted with a group of financially faithful couples and financial pros:

1. Go Digital

According to Manilla CEO Jim Schinella, “Our research finds that couples who automate their finances, from online bill payments to automatic deposits, have less financial tension because they have more visibility into their financial transactions.”

2. Work From One Set of Books

No secret spending or hidden stashes of cash, advised Stephanie Berenbaum, co-founder of e-zine Fabulous & Frugal. As important: Once you come to a decision as a couple, follow through and, if you have children, present a united front. No undermining each other.

3. Don’t Lose Sight of Your Individual Goals

Create “yours, mine and ours” goals, recommended Jacquette Timmons in “How to Save Money as a Couple: A 3-Step Plan.”

Align on the big things, such as the house, the kids’ education, major purchases and retirement, said Vatana Watters, CEO of Dallas-based Watters Design. Also important: Translate that shared financial vision into a budget, regardless of whether you have merged all your money or not.

4. Clarify Who Owns Financial Responsibilities

Have absolute clarity on what each of you will contribute financially to the household and who will be responsible for what chores, from paying the bills to monitoring investments to dealing with the taxes, suggests Manisha Thakor of MoneyZen Wealth Management in “Love and Living Together: Steps to Maintain a Financially Harmonious Household.”

5. Keep Money Conversations Strictly Financial

Make money conversations about the numbers, rather than the emotions, said Carmen Wong Ulrich in “4 Savvy Strategies to Help Couples Manage Spending.” Go on regular money dates, rather than only talking about money when a crisis surfaces.

6. Allow for Individual Fun Spending

Give each other financial flexibility to spend on personal passions or “allowable luxuries,” without consulting each other recommends Kathy Buck, CFA, of Fidelity Investments.

Can we guarantee that putting these lessons into practice will make for a relationship free of financial pitfalls? We can’t promise it, but – with that said – these practices will likely reduce financial friction and let you focus on other important issues in your relationship that don’t involve money.

By finally coming clean about your financial situation, your partner will be able to better understand you and further build trust in your relationship. Not to mention, your partner could help you bolster your finances through mentorship, setting up a debt-reduction plan, or cosigning loans with you.