Abuse often starts small, builds

A recent spate of high profile cases in Las Vegas serve as a stark reminder that domestic violence can affect any family regardless of background, profession or socioeconomic standings, advocates say.

In November:

* Las Vegas police say Mauricio Ernesto Solano-Mejia shot his ex-wife in the head as they were swapping custody of their daughter near the Gold Strike casino. Among the charges against him are attempted murder.

* Las Vegas Justice of the Peace Tony Abbatangelo was accused of choking his wife and charged with misdemeanor battery.

In October:

* Chef Bradley Ogden was convicted of misdemeanor battery in Las Vegas Municipal Court and sentenced to 180 days in jail for pushing his girlfriend to the floor in 2006. He has filed an appeal.

* Former District Court Judge Elizabeth Halverson's husband, Edward, made an Alford plea, acknowledging prosecutors could prove he beat her with a frying pan.

Acts of violence such as these seem to happen quickly and without warning, ending almost as soon as they start. But domestic violence isn't sudden, says Maria Outcalt, outreach coordinator for Safe Nest. It is insidious and pervasive, spreading through a relationship like a contagious rash, she says.

"Violence may suddenly happen, but domestic violence is about power and control, and the perpetrators use whatever mechanism they can to control. And it usually starts with something small, then builds," says Outcalt, who has worked with victims of domestic violence for the past four years.

In abusive relationships, there is usually an element of dependence; the abuser exerts physical, mental or emotional control over the victim, says Julie Proctor, director of S.A.F.E. House, a shelter for abused women.

Outcalt, whose sister was murdered by an ex-boyfriend, was particularly troubled by Halverson's ordeal and the public's response to it. Stories about it on Web sites such as Abovethelaw.com and media sites drew comments that blamed Halverson for being beaten; some said she deserved it for being overweight.

"My sister weighed 300 pounds," Outcalt says of her younger sister and best friend, Ana. "Then she lost down to a size 5 and was murdered. Does that mean if she had been fat, she would have deserved it?"

Blaming the victim is a common response to domestic violence, advocates say, adding that no one deserves to be harmed, emotionally or physically.

"I don't care what she's done or what's going on in her personal life. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way," Proctor says of Halverson.

Halverson didn't return calls for comment.

A woman often is blamed for abuse if she doesn't leave when she is first threatened or hit or if it seems she should have known that abuse would occur, advocates say. But it's hard to leave your home and your belongings, and even harder if your abuser controls the finances, Outcalt explains.

Yvette Smith, 39, stayed for eight years before leaving in 2004. In the beginning, she had heard stories about her boyfriend, that he was a drug dealer and had violent tendencies.

"But I never had them inflicted upon me. And I never even let my mind believe I would be a person he would shoot," Smith says.

He shot her in the leg after Smith told him their relationship was over. He was caught and convicted of the crime, she says.

The most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is leaving her abuser, Outcalt says.

Nevada leads the nation in the rate of women killed by men, according to the Violence Policy Center. In 2006, the latest figures available, 40 women were murdered by men in Nevada, a rate of 3.27 per 100,000. Ninety-two percent of those victims knew their killer; 64 percent of them were the wives, ex-wives, girlfriends or common law wives of the killer. South Carolina ranked second in murders of women by men, with a rate of 2.84 per 100,000.

"At that time, I didn't have the knowledge to leave," Smith says. "I had the mentality of, hey, this is my home, where my children live. It's very hard to leave your own home. I felt like a failure. It seemed like I would be less of a person if I left what I had built up."

Shame, low self-esteem and a lack of support and resources keep women in violent relationships, Proctor says. Even if Smith had believed that it was only a matter of time before her boyfriend's violent tendencies were turned toward her, she couldn't leave; she didn't have the money. She also didn't have social support or know that she could seek help at a women's shelter.

Besides, she still had feelings for him, she notes. They have a daughter together.

"You still kind of love that person, even though they're physically hurting you," Smith explains. "I was brought up around violence. It was pretty much what I thought was the norm. Fighting with somebody was what I thought you were supposed to do."

Contact reporter Sonya Padgett at spadgett@reviewjournal.com or 702-380-4564.