Appreciation, respect, poetry and a lot of laughs build relationships
In the beginning of a relationship, hormones and endorphins do the heavy lifting, keeping couples addicted to that high they feel when thinking about or spending time with their sweethearts.
That's the point in a relationship when things are almost effortless. You don't really care when she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, and you find it endearing when he leaves the toilet seat up.
But what happens when the buzz wears off?
Nothing good, if the U.S. divorce rate is any indication.
As anyone who has been in a long relationship knows, it isn't always fun and often takes some work. We asked local couples to share with us some of the things that have helped them make their love last.
We received dozens of responses from people who have been together for 20, 30, even 60-plus years. While their answers vary, several couples cite a few of the same things they have relied on not only to keep the peace with their mates; they're things that help them keep their mates.
Jan and Garre Mathis, Las Vegas
Married 40 years
Tip: Have fun together
On Valentine's Day, we will celebrate our 40th anniversary. Some years have been rough, many years have been wonderful. Little things have helped us get through it all together. We say, "I love you," every night. We hold hands a lot. But I think I have figured out the two most important things that keep us together: family and fun.
Although we have had good friends throughout our marriage, next to each other, our family members have always been our closest friends. Parents, siblings, children and now grandchildren are the people we enjoy spending time with the most.
We each have our own careers and hobbies. But we have special things we love to do together. We watch our favorite shows on TV every night. We enjoy dinner out every Friday, movies and the occasional musical theater production. But most of all, we love to travel. Whether a short weekend trip to a national park or a luxury cruise, these travels hold some of the best memories of our life together. This is when, no matter how stressful or routine our daily lives, we realize not only how much we love each other, but how much we still like each other.
Kathie and Tim Harrington, Las Vegas
Married 42 years
Tip: Appreciate the details
My husband, Tim, and I have been married for 42 years. To have and to hold, in richness and in poorness, in sickness and in health, I have always had a favorite word: harmony.
One day, about three months ago, I said to Tim, "You've always known my favorite word, but what is yours?"
"Everybody doesn't have a favorite word," responded Tim.
"I think they should. So after living with me for 42 years you surely have one by now?"
Tim's response was swift, sound, solid, and solemn -- "Kathie."
Love isn't about receiving roses every day. It's about stopping to appreciate the details of those days as they accumulate into the memories of a lifetime together to enjoy, with all of your senses, both the highs and lows of a relationship with a special person in your life. For me, that is Tim.
Maurice and Sandra Seebeck, Las Vegas
Married: six years
Tip: No secrets
We were born at different times, raised in different places, and had found some very different paths of opportunity, but we did meet, and that changed everything. Nothing about it was a fairy tale, but that is what made us feel so special. We were writing our own story and dealing with our own challenges, and we found ourselves falling in love. Before long we became soul mates, but we never stopped being friends. There are no secrets, even if they hurt. And we make and take time for each other, especially when it seems the days are too short. Lastly, in contentious times -- when life isn't served sunny side up -- we remember that we are married for life, not for awhile, but for forever. Above everything else, we love each other through and through; we feel lost when we are apart and savor the precious moments of life.
Shannon and Paul Kernaghan, Las Vegas
Married: 24 years
Tip: Appreciate each other
When I met Paul, he said he liked my business logic and how I fit my jeans. I said I liked his sense of humor and how he fit his jeans. Jeans are obviously the glue that keeps our love-meters rising.
As the years progressed and the size of jeans fluctuated (at some weird point we fit each other's), more strengths developed. He appreciates how I find his misplaced keys and enjoy his experimental recipes. I value that he can fix the plumbing and cook dinner for me.
What keeps us flourishing is how we pick up the slack -- together. Without our differing strengths, my faucet would still drip and he'd be wandering in circles searching for keys.
All except for those recipes. I wish he wasn't such a good cook. Thanks to him, I'll never get into my skinny jeans.
Dino and Rosie Serventi, Las Vegas
Married 42 years
Tip: Write poetry
Lasting Love" means "never having to say you're sorry." I married my sweetheart 42 years ago. I was 20. I'm only sorry I hadn't met her sooner. I expected so little but got so much. It's about less attitude and more gratitude. She's my best friend. We laugh together, we cry together because we know we're blessed to be together! She cooks my favorite dishes, I write her poetry. "We live in a world with few rare pleasures and less valuable treasures, in her I found both and much more, she's the mate I was created for!"
Men have said: "I couldn't imagine over 40 years with the same woman." My retort: "I couldn't imagine all those years without her!" She's my lover, too. "Lasting lovers" means never having to say we're too old! Playmates? "Yep!" Bonding and making memories together, we are consumers of the pleasures of life! Best friends who play together stay together. "There's only one bank in the world, it's the memory bank!" We deposit often. "The honeymoon isn't over until the angels sing. Our marriage isn't a dress rehearsal, it's the real thing!"
Carol and John Nelson, Las Vegas
Married 46 years
Tip: Laugh together. Cry, too.
The year was 1962, and I had graduated earlier that year at just 17. What I didn't know was that in one year, I would meet and marry my soul mate. Yes, there really are soul mates.
My "White Knight" was blue -- he was in the Air Force, and we met one night while I was having my hair dyed and rolled by a "beauty school" friend. It was "love at first sight." Yes, it really does happen.
Two sons were our gift to each other, and they have presented us with five wonderful grandchildren and, come May, two great-grandchildren.
We have laughed and cried together for more than 46 years. We shared 20 years of military life and 13 years with KLAS and interior design firms and finally "early" retirement in 1994.
We would share two of our favorite moments. One: being told by special family members that their only wish was to grow up to be us, and while on a recent cruise we were, once again, asked if we were newlyweds. Now the year is 2010 and we've grown up, grown old and more in love with each other.
What more could we need? Nothing.
Kathy and Joseph Ness, Las Vegas
Married more than 30 years (Joseph died in 2009)
Tip: Be selfless
My husband and I were together over 30 years and the honeymoon was never over! We made it through family traumas, deaths, cancer, the ups and downs of life and came out the other side still snuggling, holding hands and more in love than ever. How did we do it? Let me count the ways:
1. Soul mates -- I believe we all have soul mates. Not that soul mates can always stay together. A lifetime relationship requires more.
2. Selflessness -- In your heart and mind you put the welfare of your partner above your own. You really love them. To some this may sound unhealthy, but not when coupled with the next item.
3. Mutualistic -- With both parties focused on loving and nurturing the other, both grow together in a strong healthy way instead of growing apart.
4. Friendship -- If you do not like and admire each other, it will not work. It must be deeper than attraction. It is "BFF" in the truest sense!
My husband passed away almost two months ago after a long illness. Through it all, he never lost his sense of humor or his courage. He is the most beautiful and incredible human being I've ever known. I thought that I would die with him (God knows I wanted to), but our love for each other is so strong that it is still keeping me going. I am the luckiest woman in the world.
Frank Vincent and Norma Bello, Las Vegas
Together more than 30 years
Tip: Be best friends
My wife, Norma, and I have been together for over 30 years. We lived together for 25 years before we married, because we needed no official paper to solidify our union. We met while working at the Landmark Hotel and were drawn together by bad habits and the love of the night life. We soon became friends, then lovers, then best friends.
There lies the secret of a lasting relationship: you have to be buddies, enjoy doing things or doing nothing together. Kiss every morning and say I love you often, and mean it. Never go to bed angry with each other and make much laughter. Men, bring your wife flowers for no reason at all and write her a poem once in a while. You need to love together, laugh together, cry together, touch each other's heart with true feelings. Everything else will work out on its own.
Patty and Brent Ellsworth, Las Vegas
Married nearly 40 years
Tip: Take divorce off the table
This year, my husband and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. Within six years of our marriage, three very active little boys had been added to our family. I found myself tied to the house, overwhelmed with my responsibilities, with little extra time, money or energy. Brent was working two jobs, which barely paid the bills and was also feeling the stress of providing for our growing family. Often we took our stress out on each other.
One day, after yet another argument, we decided that life would be easier if Brent left. With his bags packed, we met with our oldest son ... to explain to him that his dad was not going to be living at home. He burst into tears. He did not want his dad to leave.
The revelation that came to me at that moment has been the guiding light in our marriage ever since -- divorce is not an option. As soon as divorce was put up as a viable option, we stopped looking for other ways to solve our problems. Today, we are happily married. Our four children are all grown and happily married, and each of them will tell you that "divorce is not an option" in their lives. They all understand that having a happy marriage takes a conscious effort, but the reward is well worth it.
