Fa la la? Nah, not in my head

The blame goes to every department store, radio station and cable music channel that started the "Silent Night" loop early this year. That’s the only way to explain why inside my brain, in early December, lives a little drummer boy walking in on his mommy kissing Santa Claus as chestnuts roast by an open fire.

The bad news: Christmas carols have taken over my mind. The good news: My mind has a built-in lyric translator, designed for the modern woman.

Let’s just say these are like the holiday classics the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would sing, only nothing like the holiday classics the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would sing.

It all started when I rocked a new frock recently. Nothing puts pep in a woman’s step like a weight-camouflaging, curve-enhancing dress. Likewise, nothing soils a woman’s spirits like red ink on the beige blouse of said dress.

I stomped off to the bathroom, my better senses telling me to surrender. Everyone knows only hairspray gets rid of ink, and hairspray would only put an exclamation point on my ink flub.

Taking a wet paper towel to the scarlet stain, I gingerly tried to rub out my carelessness while mourning the loss of a damn good dress.

That’s when I heard it. The chorus to a song often brought out for the holidays, translated for that very moment in 2012.

When the ink marks
When the dress stains
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Anyone not dying to hear the rest of the ditty probably also thought Tiny Tim should just suck it up already. Get in the spirit.

Before going any further, however, I should warn folks that I have very little in common with a nun-aspiring Austrian woman who, sans a single death threat, cared for someone else’s seven children in the prime of her club-hopping years.

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens?" That may have been what got things going for Maria from "The Sound of Music." But not me.

Without further ado:

Burning my Spanx and celebrity scandals
Long beach vacations and cute Twitter handles
Living vicariously through single friends’ flings
These are a few of my favorite things

Unfriending douchebags and a rack full of wine
Dorothy Parker quotes and a front-page byline
A "Real Housewives" reunion and the drama it brings
These are a few of my favorite things

"Breaking Bad" predictions and soft slipper boots
No need for Photoshop and zero gray roots
A full weekend off from my husband’s sports teams
These are a few of my favorite things

And there you have it. The modern-day, much-improved version of "My Favorite Things" – not counting Oprah’s, of course.

Next week I’ll rewrite "Baby, It’s Cold Outside." In which the male singer will discover a little thing called "no means no" and the female singer will learn the concept of a "booty call."

Contact Xazmin Garza at xgarza@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0477. Follow her on Twitter @startswithanx.

Celebrity photographer dedicates dance book to Las Vegas shooting victims
Behind the scenes with local celebrity photographer Jerry Metellus as he talks about his Dance For Vegas coffee book dedicated to the 58 victims of the October 1 shooting. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas Review-Journal) @marcusvillagran
Dreamsickle Kids Foundation founder Gina Glass talks awareness
Gina Glass, 35, founded Dreamsickle Kids Foundation to raise awareness for sickle cell disease in Nevada. (Jessie Bekker/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
The Meadows School founding kindergarten teacher retires after 34 years at the school
Linda Verbon, founder of the The Meadows School's kindergarten program and the first faculty member hired at the school, retired in the spring after 34 years at The Meadows. (K.M. Cannon/Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Kids become firefighters at Fire Station 98 open house
Henderson residents wore fire hats, learned about CPR and met firefighters at the Fire Station 98 open house Saturday, August 11, 2018. (Marcus Villagran Las Vegas Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
People from all over the world attend RollerCon 2018
RollerCon 2018 is a five-day convention focused on the roller derby community and culture at Westgate in Las Vegas. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
Camp Broadway teaches kids how to sing and dance
The Smith Center's seventh annual Camp Broadway musical theater program gives 150 kids ages 6-17 an opportunity to learn musical theater skills from industry professionals over a five-day period. Marcus Villagran/ Las Vegas Review-Journal @brokejournalist
Las Vegas police officer on being PETA's Sexiest Vegan Next Door
Las Vegas police officer David Anthony talks vegan lifestyle and how he feels about being voted PETA's sexiest Vegan next door from his home on Monday, July 9, 2018. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
'NO H8' Campaign comes to Las Vegas
Hundreds of locals participate in the NO H8 campaign founded by Adam Bouska and Jeff Parshley as a response to Proposition 8, a California ban on same-sex marriage. The campaign has since evolved to represent equal treatment for all. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
Over 40,000 People Attend The 4th Of July Parade In Summerlin In Las Vegas
Over 40,000 People Attend The 4th Of July Parade In Summerlin In Las Vegas. (Janna Karel Las Vegas Review-Journal)
Star Wars and Golden Knights mashup at downtown art shop
Star Wars and Vegas Golden Knights fans attend the Boba Fett Golden Knight Paint Class at The Bubblegum Gallery in Las Vegas, Friday, June 29, 2018. (Marcus Villagran/Las Vegas Review-Journal) @brokejournalist
News Headlines
Local Spotlight
Add Event
Home Front Page Footer Listing
You May Like

You May Like