It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Well, my friends, it's exactly six days until Christmas. Are you ready? (Don't you adore it when people slap you on the back and ask jovially, "Are you ready?" Because, you know darn well that they are ready, and they're simply dying for you to tell them no, you're nowhere near ready, just so that they can say, "Gee, I've had my Christmas gifts bought since, oh, I think it was Labor Day." And, you're supposed to stand there amazed and envious, as they tick off all the things they're planning to do during the season, things that they have time to do because their shopping is done ... things that you have never done, and probably will never do.
If this showoff sounds like you, let me say, on behalf of all the folks who are realizing today that the only present we've bought so far is a chocolate bar covered with a wrapper that looks like a $1 million bill, because our grandson loves money and chocolate -- just like his grandmother -- and you already ate half of that -- shut up! We don't want to know how well organized you are, because we have only yesterday put away the last of the beach towels, stored the deck furniture and discarded the little pilgrim-hat place cards. Our beautiful green wreath with a big red bow hangs on the front door right above the Halloween pumpkin, and this is the best we can do, so get off our backs!)
(Ahem)
In the meantime, to help us all feel a little more in the Christmas spirit, I have composed a Tabernacle Choir-quality piece titled "Jingle This!" It is to be sung to that timeless Christmas favorite we all enjoy.
Let's all sing along together now, especially mothers -- you know, those carefree, un-stressed, perfectly coiffed, baking, shopping, entertaining, wrapping, decorating, schlepping mothers -- who need a holiday song of our own.
And a-one and a-two, and a --
Jingle bells
Mommy yells
"Decorate the tree!
"Hang up now, no texting, and
"Don't take that tone with me!" Heee!
In the yard,
It's so hard
Putting up the lights;
Daddy's shouting words that
Really aren't too Christmas-like!
Grandma comes to call, with cookies large and small,
They're gone so fast that Mommy missed her favorite bourbon balls;
She didn't get a bite, the kids begin to fight,
And, Daddy's drinking eggnog, asking, "Who needs outdoor lights?"
Oh!
Jing-a-ling, caroling?
Are you kidding me?
The baby and the dog have both
Thrown up beneath the tree! Heee!
In the mall,
What a ball,
Swimming through the throngs;
Waiting hours for Santa while they're blasting Christmas songs!
At home, unknown to all, the teen's still on a call,
And, Mom cannot reach Dad to ask, "So, base- or basket- ball?"
She's got a giant list, and she is getting pi- ... uh ... mad,
She buys a dozen fruitcakes for the people she might miss!
Oh!
Home she'll go, through the snow,
Hungering for peace;
She gets there, the tree's still bare,
And, everyone's asleep! Hey!
Jingle bell,
"What the hell?
"Someone do the tree!
"Where is baby Jesus?
"Do you know you're killing me?!"
Teenager is bored, "What extension cord?
"This is lame! Can I go out?" She's so hard to ignore.
The stockings must be hung, and the tinsel must be flung,
The presents wrapped, the candles lit, and carols must be sung!
Oh!
Jingle bells, no one yells,
Kids are fast asleep;
Mom and Dad are on the floor
Assembling "G.I. Jeep." Hey!
Clock strikes one,
Finally done,
Check five little beds;
Now, you're feeling Christmas, as you
Kiss five little heads ...
(And, God bless us, one and all. With love, from Vicki.)
Vicki Wentz's column, which appears here on Sundays, is published in newspapers across the country. She is a high school teacher who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. Readers may contact her at vwentz@mindspring.com.
