No gray of any shade: Great sex isn’t narcissistic conscription

In the swirling mystery of human sexuality, there is a line between profound, ecstatic intimacy and disturbing pathology. I’m not in the business of deciding where that line is for you. But there is a line. And observing and investigating that line is an important exercise.

When I investigate the line, I don’t do so from the view of prudishness or “religious” morality, per se. That is, it’s not about naughty versus nice. Good versus bad. Sin versus virtue. I investigate the line from the view of health and wholeness. As opposed to unhealth and brokenness.

And, trust me, I’m no censor. Free speech is the necessary doorway by which erotica is allowed artistic exploration in literature, songwriting, painting, sculpting and film. I have and do enjoy and admire artful erotica.

I remember the 1978 film “Coming Home.” A married woman, broken-hearted by the terrible psychological changes in her war veteran husband returned home, falls in love with another veteran, a paraplegic. They make love in a scene I will always remember as beautiful, tragic … and, make no mistake, hot.

In 1981, I saw “Body Heat.” The protagonists are both disturbing and sad. The woman is a near sociopath. The man is a self-indulgent, little-boy narcissist. But the sex scenes were … well, let’s just say they flooded my brain with oxytocin. My eyes dilated.

See, I’m trying to buy some credibility here. I’m not a judgmental hypocrite. Again, I enjoy artful erotica. And I think it is a perfectly valid reality to explore and celebrate in art.

Having said that …

I have never so much as held a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” in my hands, let alone opened it to Page 1. But I heard the buzz. It was like everybody was having sneaky, clandestine fun being naughty. The sound, the tone, the facial expressions all reminded me of how I felt that day when, at 13, I found my father’s Playboy stash in his nightstand. I lost several hours that day. Thought I’d died and gone to heaven.

Now the movie is out. Some $260 million in the first weekend. It’s official. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a cultural phenomenon.

I resisted it from the start, mostly because of my signature “reverse snobbery.” That is, if it’s a fad, then I tend to instinctively withdraw. If everybody likes it, there must be something shallow and silly about it.

I’m not defending this part of my personality. Just telling the truth.

But I continued to hear more and more about it. Heavens, patients came in and asked if I’d read it yet! I started to read about the plot, the phenomenon in reviews and op-ed pieces.

I learned the story is about one of the “darker corners” of human sexuality: bondage, role-plays of power, sadomasochism, etc.

In principle, I don’t have a problem with that … yet. Healthy, thriving sexual courtship is all about power. Sharing power. Exchanging power. Using power. Surrendering power. It’s an artful, sublime dance in the hands of lovers who want to hurl themselves into the joy of intimacy and erotic ecstasy.

Healthy couples play with power and the surrender of power. They pin their lover’s wrist to the bed. One dons a blindfold. There is a controlled, ceremonial aggression. The erstwhile spanking or gripping of the hair. Language that in other settings would be hostile and abusive becomes hot and desirable.

In the brilliant book “Passionate Marriage,” author David Schnarch titles one chapter “Doing and Being Done.” He means exactly this sharing of power. Sometimes your lover’s request is “Do me.” Other times the directive is “My turn to do you.”

But there is a line between fierce, adventurous love-making and the eroticizing of pain and humiliation. Great sex is not narcissistic conscription.

I think of the Hebrew story of “The Fall.” Adam and Eve have disobeyed God, and God describes the consequences of a “fallen world.” To Eve God says, “Your husband will rule over you, yet your desire shall be for him.”

It’s disturbing that a man can find erotic pleasure in ruling over a woman. And equally disturbing that a woman could desire a man thus ruling over her.

Something about “Fifty Shades of Grey” is aversive to me. I think I’m going to let this fad roll on by without me. Not because I’m a prude. And not because I fear it will awaken some sordid, unexamined darkness in my soul.

It’s simply because I don’t find receiving or delivering pain and humiliation erotic.

I invite you to read this little essay by Craig Gross: http://xxxchurch.com/couples/dont-understand-fifty-shades-grey.html.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at 702-227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.