Surely, my daydreams used to be much sexier than this. They may not have looked like one of the calendars an administrative assistant has tucked in her drawer, Mr. October being her secret favorite, but no way did they ever star a washer and dryer.
That’s right, my appliance-challenged condominium has me staring longingly into space, fantasizing about household items I used to own. Items like our old LG front-load energy-efficient washing machine. And it has nothing to do with the spin cycle.
Even the way I now refer to it, as the LG front-load energy-efficient washing machine is a bit concerning. Like it’s Ralphie’s toy gun or something, needing all the hoopla to properly hype it up to people who may not understand its grandeur, its glory. Yes, still talking about a washing machine.
Let me break it down for you. We live in a condo on the top level of a three-story walk-up building. This condo has no washer and dryer hookups, no dishwasher and, until a couple of weeks ago, no microwave oven.
It’s made for the kind of adjustment that teaches you a few things, like how lazy and spoiled you are. I mean, how unfair the world is.
The dishwasher, truth be told, I don’t miss. Some rituals carry great appeal with me. The hot, sudsy water on my fingertips, the clank of the dishes in the sink, and the gleam of the glasses drying on the rack being one of them. Similar to mowing the lawn as a teenager, it relaxes me, lets me think about greater tasks while performing a menial one and gives me a sense of accomplishment by the time the dishwater drains.
And, let’s face it, a dishwasher leaves spots, doesn’t always scrub everything off. If you want the job done right …
Even the notable absence of a microwave wasn’t the seismic disaster our iPhone, iPad, iEverything society might find it. Keep in mind its very name: microwave oven. So, as long as we had an oven with a stovetop, well, we were still in business. In business to do what? To warm up our leftover eggplant Parmesan, dammit. To prepare hot chamomile tea just before bedtime. To get the cheese on the nachos to just the right gooeyness.
The pettiness of pouting over no microwave fully registered. No washer and dryer, on the other hand, feels like we’re fetching water from the well, or using an outhouse to handle our business. Our business that has nothing to do with warming up food.
Simply put, it’s a pain in the ass to haul hampers up and down three flights of stairs. It’s not exactly convenient to plan outfits in two-week intervals (that’s our laundry schedule, every two weeks). And the cost of a sizable load of laundry these days, a whopping $6.50, can do some serious damage to a girl’s things.
Whites with colors? I’ve always been opposed to segregation, g’head! Silk panties with gym socks? Stop being so snooty, silk panties, get in there! Nice towels with the not-so-nice towels? They’re freakin’ towels!
On the plus side, there’s a candy machine at the laundromat, where TV gems such as “The Bold and the Beautiful” and “Judge Judy” keep customers entertained. A handful of Sprees gets me through the ordeal. I sit, chewing the tangy treats, remembering what has managed to wriggle its way up to one of the best days of my life: The day we bought our LG front-load energy-efficient washer and dryer.
Boy, were they fancy, with buttons normally seen on an audio device. Pause, play, continue, they were all there. As the salesman explained all the features, including a chime sound instead of one of those lowbrow buzzing noises to signal a load has finished, he showed us the pedestals that were available at an additional cost. Somewhere around $500 for both.
Totally worth it, those pedestals were, because they made it so you didn’t have to bend completely over when loading and unloading your laundry. “We’ll take them!”
Not so fast.
The husband, that fool, couldn’t see the value of a 45-degree bend versus a 90-degree bend, so he vetoed the purchase, putting us one step closer to Third World status. The way I saw it, we may as well have purchased washing boards that day, what with the strain of a full-blown bend and all.
But it’s OK. It’s OK because you’d better believe that LG front-load energy-efficient washer and dryer are sitting on the highest of pedestals in my daydreams now.
Contact Xazmin Garza at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Twitter @startswithanx.