Parents should show empathy without giving up authority

Are you a father? A mother? Then here is something I know about you, and I'm not even psychic: You are an imperfect parent. You have made mistakes, and you will continue to make mistakes.

Welcome to the club!

At the end of the day, there is only one parental sin: the failure of empathy. Think about it. From simple inattentiveness to egregious negligence, from confusing permissiveness to rigid authoritarianism, from emotional cruelty to outright physical abuse -- all of these things come down to failures of empathy. We neglect our power. Or misuse it. Or abuse it. Or exploit our children with it.

On the table to the side of my office chair is a ceramic figure of a boy -- 5, maybe 6 years old. He's wearing OshKosh overalls, a T-shirt and tennis shoes. His hair is disheveled. He is standing, arms at his sides, with his head cocked at a sharp, upward angle. His eyes are wide. His mouth in a slight "O" shape. He looks neither happy nor sad, neither angry nor afraid.

What he looks like is ... vulnerable. He is beholding the approaching giant, the all-powerful god or goddess. He is waiting pensively to see what will happen to him. Waiting is all he can do. See, the giant has all the power: emotionally, psychologically, physically, intellectually, economically, legally, socially.

I knew I was going to buy the figure the moment I laid eyes on it. It called to me, psychically, as art does from time to time. I "knew" this boy. This boy was me. Is me. This boy is every little boy and little girl I have ever known. And that means you, too, Good Reader. You were once this vulnerable.

At the heart of great childrearing is a commitment to remain conscious of and responsible for this near categorical imbalance of power in parent/child relationships. Good parents embrace their power consciously, placing a bridle of empathy on the gross disproportion of power they have, and then proceed to use that power in the best interest of the children they are charged to love and rear.

But, parents are imperfect. We make mistakes. We stop paying attention. We can't always pay attention. Our own childhood histories sooner or later intrude and interfere with our best parental intentions. We misuse our power, unconsciously or consciously, in blithe oblivion or treacherous intention. Our empathy fails.

Guilt, remorse, self-reproach -- such things, then, must be occasional or even frequent companions of emotionally honest parents. So, yet another thing good parents learn is honest and responsible accountability to their children. If you are a parent, then sooner or later you will rightly ask for your child's forgiveness.

But here's a common trap: A parent's guilt often tempts that parent to question his/her right to wield parental authority. It is one thing to have the courage to deliver a credible and appropriate apology to your child, but it is another thing entirely to allow your guilt to render you apologetic. I see this frequently with divorced parents, stepparents and blended families. It's as if to say, "Kids, I feel so rotten about making you grow up as 'divorced kids,' so I'm going to make up for that by being your buddy and chum and seeing if I can make you like me in spite of my being a failure at marriage."

Simply put, this is terrible for children. It will compound your errors, not redeem them. Parents must never allow guilt to convince them to surrender their parental authority. Ever.

Let me make the point dramatically:

If an alcoholic, rage-aholic man beats his 5-year-old son, and that son is taken away to foster care by the state, and the man goes to jail, enters therapy, rehabilitation, repents, grieves his sin, is accountable, makes restitution to his son, and together they reconcile ...

If at the age of 15 the son chooses to live with his father, and the father says, "Clean your room," and the son says, "No, I don't have to ... you were a lousy father ... an alcoholic and you beat me and went to jail."

Then the response is not, "You're right, I have no right to any authority over your life."

The answer is, "You're right about all that, and I'll die sorry about it ... and you still have to clean your room."

The most important thing children need from healthy parents is that their parents never stop being their parents.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.