Sibling rivalry may require family therapy

Q: A family that is quite close to mine has three boys, ages 3 to 9. Each child is easy to love when they are separated. When they are all three together, it is a different story. The problem is that the oldest has a very marked disdain (even a stated hatred) for his middle brother. He is devious and has to be watched to ensure that he does not harm his middle brother. He has some rivalry with the youngest but it is apparent to even the most casual observer that he reserves his most venomous attacks for his middle brother. The middle child is baffled by this and loves his older brother without reserve. He is hurt by his older brother's painful attacks (both verbal and physical). The mother worries that the middle child will suffer long-term negative effects from this kind of abuse from his sibling. -- M.E., Las Vegas

A: On my left hand is a one-inch scar. It was put there by my older sister's fingernail. I was 10. Ouch.

At age 11, I sat on my little sister's chest and forcibly jammed nine Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies in her mouth. Really a wonder she didn't aspirate them and die.

On the second day of my second son's life, his then 19-month-old brother hurled a metal Matchbox car at this infant threat to the throne. He missed. Hit me on the bridge of the nose, drawing blood.

All relationships contain ambivalence, but ambivalence finds its most uncensored expression between siblings. Sibling rivalry is a window into our most instinctive, primitive selves. It's primordial. It's pre-moral. It's potentially dangerous. Prior to age 4 to 5, siblings can mortally harm each other. The hostility is pure and uncensored. Always gives me the willies when I hear parents say, "Oh, let them work it out."

Yeah, right. With a brick.

M.E., there are a ton of titles about sibling rivalry on a Google search, but I confess to having read none of them. If there are behavioral health workers out there who read this column, fire away about written resources you've come to know and trust.

In the case of severe and pernicious cases of sibling rivalry, my prejudice is family therapy. And I mean everybody in session. Possibly even a home session. Why? Because, while some sibling rivalry is ordinary and even normal, chronic cases are often a result of inverted or inconsistent family hierarchies. The family alliances are unnatural, out of balance or misaligned. Competent, systemic family therapy confronts, identifies and intervenes, helping the family restructure the relationships in a way that makes the extreme behavior less necessary and less useful to the antagonist.

Q: I wonder sometimes what parents are thinking when it comes to renting hotel rooms for high school juniors and seniors for them to spend the night in after prom. I realize that my daughter, who is a senior, will be heading off to college to be on her own in a few months. However, I still feel it's giving my blessing to do whatever she wants if I agree to let her stay with her prom group in a hotel room. I would love it if you would address this situation in your column. I feel like I'm the only one who thinks this tradition is crazy! -- C.P., Las Vegas

A: You and me, dude. And lots of other folks. It's not a tradition. Some kids do it, and some parents approve of it and help them do it. Even pay for it. But trust me, a lot of parents know it's permissive and inappropriate.

Now, to be honest, on the night I graduated high school, me and about eight friends (mixed gender) spent the night at an uninhabited rental property owned by one of the parents, who lived right down the street. I say spent the night: Nobody slept. We giggled. Some of us drank. Pretty sure about sunrise I stepped out to see our valedictorian hanging out the driver's-side truck window by her hips, hair hanging straight down toward the pavement. So perhaps I sound hypocritical.

But graduation is a genuine rite of passage. And we were safe and sound, even if ridiculous.

Prom night is something else. And hotel rooms are for adults. Hotel rooms imply something very different than homes.

Competent parents of adolescents know that in many ways an adolescent is more vulnerable than a 2-year-old. We shouldn't put them in unsupervised situations that require them to make adult decisions they might or might not be ready to make.

They aren't adults.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.