When your spouse is unhappy, ask why

Antagonism toward our spouse is only sometimes a direct and logical reaction to him or her being disrespectful, unjust, unfair, pissy, snarky or just plain mean.

But's it's also possible to feel the exact same antagonism because we have … misunderstood. Not to mention that, if you're a human being, then you are also capable of mobilizing antagonism toward your spouse that has nothing whatsoever to do with your spouse and everything to do with your own emotional memories.

In psychology, we call it "transference," wherein you spontaneously and unwittingly begin to react to your spouse as if he or she was responsible for emotional injuries from your past.

So, when at all possible, the first thing you want to do when you have an unhappy experience of your mate is breathe, examine and ask questions — not react as judge, jury and executioner, all in one ugly comment.

Is this about me? Is this about you? If you live in a healthy marriage, you can invite your mate into this dialogue by saying, simply, "I'm struggling with something in our relationship."

See? It's not a complaint … yet. It's a request for assistance sorting through an unhappy feeling.

Now, if you're on the receiving end of "I'm struggling … ," you'll probably be a little anxious. For some personalities given to anxiety and narcissistic vulnerability, "I'm struggling …" is all it takes to launch themselves into their own preemptive strike of defensiveness: "Oh, here it comes," etc.

This is not a useful marital habit. Don't do it. The answer to "I'm struggling …" is "What's up, sweetie?"

So, let's say your spouse then describes an unhappy experience. For example …

"I feel like you dominate this relationship."

Now, in rare cases, you might immediately say, "I know exactly what you mean, and that's not OK. I can change that, and I will."

But, in most cases you're response will be "Huh?"

Or, worse, you're response will be very dominating: "Like hell I do! What are you talking about!

Or perhaps you'll shrug and say, "I don't feel dominating." Or the tried-and-true "It is not my intention to dominate. I guess that clears that up."

It never works, but it feels like it ought to work. Why can't I simply protest the utter innocence of my intentions and make my mate's unhappy experience of me disappear?

Because it's dismissive, that's why, even if it's true.

Nope. When your mate is brave enough to report an unhappy experience of you, and does so without attacking you but owns the experience, then neither defensiveness nor dismissal is appropriate.

What works is … curiosity.

Be curious. Become an incredulous investigator. If you do this and your unhappy mate joins you, lots of things can happen. And all the outcomes are good. Inside you, it sounds like this …

"Hmm. My mate experiences me as "dominating." I'm thinking it would feel lousy to feel dominated. On the other hand, I am not aware of any motive inside me to want to dominate. Which doesn't mean I'm not dominating my beloved, it just means that, if I am, I don't know that I am."

The investigation begins. When did it happen most recently? What does it look like? Sound like? Is it specific words? Tones? Something I do with my body language? Facial expressions? Specific behavior?

Do this together, and you will arrive happily at one of the following outcomes:

• The "blinders" will sudden fall from your eyes and you will see that, indeed, you are dominating the relationship. This will surprise and startle you, because, until you saw it, you didn't see it. But now that you see it, you can immediately take steps to change it.

• Together you will see that your mate is truly misinterpreting you. That in no way are you dominating him or her. Then, together, you will agree on the meaning of words, tone, behavior, etc., and establish a shared understanding that renders null the unhappy experience.

• Your mate will suddenly see his or her unhappy experience has much more to do with unfinished psychic debris from his or her own past. Your mate might nonetheless still ask for your help to remediate those experiences as you interact day to day.

• You will, ultimately, disagree with and reject your mate's conclusions about you dominating. You might even forever think of his or her conclusion as odd. But, because you love, you will (within reason) be more than happy to learn new words, new tones and new behaviors that make less likely his or her unhappy experience.

• Be curious. Investigate. It's way better than fighting.

— Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Mondays. Contact him at 702-227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.