Search for ‘purpose’ in our lives can become source of angst

“Find your purpose.”

It has become such common advice that few question it. But rather than inspirational, it can feel like a burden. How do I go about finding this and what if I never do?

This is “purpose anxiety” — the gnawing sense that one’s life should have an overarching purpose, but it’s unclear how to discover it.

“There’s a lot of commands to find purpose, but not a lot of support to find purpose,” says Michael Steger, a professor at Colorado State University and director of its Center for Meaning and Purpose.

Defining ‘purpose’

The definition of purpose can be elastic. Can you have only one purpose or can you have many? Does it have to involve service to others or can it be something that consistently gives only you great pleasure and meaning?

Think of purpose not as something that governs behavior but as a compass you can choose to follow, helping direct your energies toward a central life aim, says Todd Kashdan, a professor at George Mason University and founder of its Well-Being Laboratory. A sense of purpose can help “close that gap between who you are and what you ideally want to become,” he said.

People can lead content, meaningful lives without ever articulating a sense of purpose, he emphasizes.

There are many legitimate reasons for the advice given by parents, teachers, mentors and an array of online gurus that finding purpose is key to a good life. Research has shown that people who more strongly feel a sense of purpose tend to be physically and mentally healthier.

But the word has become so weighty that finding a purpose has, for many, turned into a source of angst.

The term “purpose anxiety” appears to have been coined in 2014 by a University of Pennsylvania graduate student, Larissa Rainey, and caught on. Author Elizabeth Gilbert, for example, best known for her memoir “Eat, Pray, Love,” has spoken frequently about an unhealthy obsession over a “purposeful life.” It is, she said in one interview, “the formula we’ve all been fed.”

Guideposts change

People have always searched for life’s meaning and purpose.

“Part of what it is to have a human consciousness is to think about our place in the universe,” says Jody Day, a psychotherapist and author of “Living the Life Unexpected.” “But a lot of the places that we’ve naturally found meaning in our culture in, say, the last hundred years are falling away.”

Religion, for instance, often offered purpose and meaning to believers. But the number of people who identify as religious has dropped significantly over the years.

Other people traditionally found purpose in ensuring that their children had a better life than they did. Many don’t have confidence that will be the case anymore, Day says.

“Now we’re stuck trying to do the harder thing, which is, one by one, figure out everything in the universe and how we fit,” Steger adds.

Take your time

You might begin by realizing that you don’t have to pin down a purpose immediately, Steger says: Searching for purpose in itself helps generate meaning in life.

It entails “understanding who you are and what you have to work with, understanding what you care about, what you’d like to see be better, either in yourself or in the world” and then figuring out if you can make an impact, he adds.

“In our culture, we are so outcome-focused and process-adverse,” he says. “Probably my best advice is to take your time and be all right not always knowing.”

Hobbies, jobs, community

For Jordan Grumet, author of “The Purpose Code,” there is big “P” Purpose and little “p” purpose, and too many people stress about finding the first and ignore the second.

“Big ‘P’ Purpose is goal-oriented — it’s usually big and audacious, and often unattainable,” he says.

It’s better, he says, to focus on little “p” purpose and pursuits that some might simply call hobbies — gardening, singing, collecting baseball cards. Or it can be found in a job, or volunteering.

“What could I do that would light me up and fill me up and be a good use of my time?” Grumet asks.

It’s not just for self-improvement, he says. When people do something they love, they attract people to them, which can help create communities.

Not all agree that hobbies and passions are the same as purpose. Reading books, Kashdan says, isn’t a purpose in itself but can be a tool to discovering it.

“They’re just like fledgling seeds of, ‘Hey, something might be there that you might want to pursue with more depth and more gravity in your life,’ ” he says.