Self-knowledge brings self-understanding, self-acceptance and more

I'm roaring west on I-40 through Arizona, my eldest, soon to be 21, in the passenger seat. My youngest, 10, is absorbed in the back seat playing "Plants vs. Zombies" on his DS.

I talk with the young man on my right about the Enneagram, an instrument for measuring type/temperament variations in human personalities. Developed in the early '70s, I use the Enneagram frequently to promote individual development, higher functioning marriages and families, and healthy workplaces.

Jonathan asks about my type. I speculate about his. Suddenly, the little voice from the back seat interjects, "What are you guys talking about?"

Hmm. How to explain this stuff to a 10-year-old? But I try. "Joseph, people are born with particular ways of looking at life. It's called your personality type. I study these things in my work as a counselor because it helps people to understand themselves and to understand each other. I use a test called the Enneagram."

"What's my type?" he asks.

"Uh, well, you're only 10 years old, so it's hard to say," I answer, hesitantly. "But, if I was to guess, I'd say you're an emerging 8 on the Enneagram."

"What are 8's like?" he asks.

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, I guess. "Eights are called The Challenger. They get up every morning inventorying the scope of their own personal power and influence, where the lines of power are drawn, and they challenge themselves and others. They tend to be strong leaders. They respect people who will engage them, push them in conversation and debate. They are often perceived by others as mad when they are merely fiercely passionate. And they kinda enjoy arguing."

There's a few seconds of silence from the back. And then, little Joseph takes off on a several-minute diatribe about why none of that is true. He fiercely and passionately argues about why he's not an 8. His eyes are alive. His jaw is set. He challenges my speculation that he's an 8.

Oh the irony. An Enneagram 8 arguing with me about whether he's an 8. I am laughing so hard I think I'm going to run the car off the road.

The Enneagram makes more room in my universe for you, precisely because it makes more room in my universe for me. It objectively observes, identifies and describes a given "energy" with which each of us is born - our type/temperament. There are no good types. There are no bad types. Just types. And each of the nine types has this in common: the greatest strength of your type will also be your greatest weakness. All types bring a particular light into the world. All types have their preferred distortions and idolatries. All types have healthy, high-functioning versions, average versions and not-so healthy versions.

If you study the Enneagram, you will less often say, "This is the way the world is," and more often say, "This is how I see the world."

It's such fun to introduce conflicted couples to the Enneagram. I'm convinced that a huge chunk - maybe more than half - of the things couples fight about are not real grievances. Contempt, chronic disregard, true injustices, real betrayals - these are real grievances. But a disproportion of marital conflict is a consequence of the failure to negotiate type/temperament. It fills my heart with joy to watch couples dig into the Enneagram, meet each other all over again, learn each other's language ... and watch the conflict disappear, replaced by laughter, humility, and a new generosity of understanding, respect and warm communion.

Want to dig in? Go to enneagraminstitute.com and look around. For $10, you can take the test.

"What are you laughing about," comes the challenge from the back seat.

"I'm laughing because I really, really enjoy you, Joseph. You are perfect, just the way you are. Don't ever change."

And see, that's the thing. Self-knowledge brings self-understanding, which invites self-acceptance and self-respect. We are free to revel in the light and strength of our type. Equally free to be responsible and alert for the "shadow side" of our type.

We are free to be wholly and authentically ourselves.

Postscript: Those of you who know the Enneagram and know me are laughing right now, because as a card-carrying 4 on the Enneagram, you knew I'd have to work the word "authenticity" in there somewhere.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.