Holiday matrix: put spoon to pie

The pilgrims came, the pilgrims starved. They were gifted some turkey, pie and the Detroit Lions. They said "Thanks."

Here, in 19 words, you have the traditional story of Thanksgiving. But over the years, many thousands of words have been spoken about this most American holiday.

You won't read any of them here. Instead, we offer a selection of quotations by famous philosophers, history's greatest thinkers, as well as a few utterances from some local politicians who often end up in the news.

We'll reinterpret those quotes and comments in the spirit of Thanksgiving, just for fun.

Huh? you say. That's not news. Read on, people. Chill out. It's a holiday. Have fun with it.

"There is more to life than simply increasing its speed."

-- Gandhi

Gandhi couldn't have been speaking of Black Friday, could he? That wondrous day where we race like procrastinating squirrels just before the first snowfall in search of unbelievable deals on 64-inch plasma screen, high-definition acorns?

"I imagine they were trying to intimidate me. ... I'm not going to be intimidated by Culinary."

-- Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman

Goodman, who defended mobsters before becoming king of the sound bite, is not afraid of mere culinary items. Green bean casserole with water chestnuts and shrimp? Ha! Sweet potato pie made with yogurt and walnuts? Not intimidating at all. So follow Oscar's lead. Be adventurous today. Do not shy away from the soupy stuffing or the crunchy corn bread. When else will you have a perfectly acceptable excuse to sleep on the sofa all afternoon?

Nah.

"Taste me you will see, More is all you need, You're dedicated to, How I'm killing you."

-- Metallica, in the song "Master of Puppets"

Leave it to the masters of metal to bring a little seriousness into the Thanksgiving discussion. Yes, guys, we know we're not supposed to eat 5,268 calories in one day -- in one sitting. Yes, we know it's not good for us in the long run.

But can't you just this once let us eat in peace without all your preachin'? Sheesh. Lighten up.

"I want a check. Send me a check."

-- Nevada System of Higher Education Chancellor Jim Rogers

Whoa. OK then. Um, sometimes grandpa will get a little cranky at holiday time, but that's OK. He's been around a whole lotta years, and he's been to one too many of these gatherings. So let him go on and on about whatever it is he's talking about.

"To give a satisfactory decision as to the truth it is necessary to be rather an arbitrator than a party to the dispute."

-- Aristotle

What Aristotle was saying is this: Do not choose publicly between your spouse's and your mother's cooking. No good can come of that. Instead, find common ground, such as that your mother's cooking is tasty, while your spouse's is flavorful. Keep the truth to yourself.

"We want to help those people keep those jobs. ... But that will only happen if they get their act together."

-- U.S. Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev.

Reid wasn't talking about the auto industry bailout. Of course not. He was talking about cousin Frank, Aunt Jill and that other guy who nobody's sure is actually related but who shows up every holiday anyway, casually dropping hints about the most recent stint of "layoffs" at his "job."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

-- Steven Wright, comedian

Do Not Do This. It's a joke. It will ruin your Thanksgiving. Your kids will never speak to you again.

Again: Do Not Do This. (Secret note to readers: This is not nearly as easy as it may sound. You know, hypothetically.)

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Take Dr. King's warning to heart. Do not ignore that which is obvious, which is that your mother in law has been muttering under her breath all day about how dry your turkey turned out. Hear her out, humor her, then defend yourself, or you may later find that you're huddled in a corner, crying into a hanky, regretting your silence.

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."

-- Mark Twain

The satirist was right, of course. Surely this was his way of telling us all to throw caution to the wind, to go for the gusto, to party like rock stars, to become every cliche we can muster, 'specially when mucho carbs are involved and you have a perfectly reasonable excuse.

"But they did not have sweet potato pie at this particular establishment. So, instead, I got coconut cream pie. I'll take a cream pie, I don't mind. I like all kinds of pie."

-- President-elect Barack Obama, telling a story a campaign event at a Midwestern diner, video of which has become a viral hit.

In the spirit of fellowship that Thanksgiving represents, let us all take a lesson from Mr. Obama, pie lover that he is. Let us all love pie, let us love all pie.

"It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. ... Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start."

-- Mother Theresa

Please don't tell us you need an explanation for this one.

Contact reporter Richard Lake at rlake@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0307.