Pam’s new show prompts advice

Dear Pamela Anderson,

I have a complicated relationship with you, and I don't even know you. I mean, I've met you a few times and interviewed you. Sometimes, you seem so smart, genuine, and caring. At other times, you seem like a complete and total mess. What's the deal?

The reason I'm writing you now is that I'm watching a super-secret screener of your upcoming E! TV show, "Pam: Girl on the Loose" (debuting Sunday). And the most remarkable thing about this reality show is how unsurprising it is.

You strip for Hugh Hefner. Well, right, I already read about that event in Norm Clarke's column in the Review-Journal back when it happened. Even if I hadn't known about this, it would have been ho-hum for its Pam Anderson-ness.

In "Pam," you also take off your clothes. Mm-hm, I've seen that in person, no less.

You hang out with Tommy Lee. Yep, you can't quit him, right, right.

And you do a lot of animal activism, selling "Baywatch" bikinis and loads of personal items to raise money for PETA. You decry animal testing at Capitol Hill. Your love of animals is my favorite thing about you. It's excellent when you toss a seal-skin-seated chair and apologize for this "diva moment."

Or maybe my favorite thing is you refuse to let your kids' faces appear on camera. Every celebrity should be that protective.

What's fascinating about "Pam: Girl on the Loose" is you seem to have a grip on who you are. As you say:

• "There's an image of me, and there's me: who I really am. And sometimes, you feed the image, and the image kind of pollutes you." (OK, you're polluted and you know it, so what are you doing about it? You do know that being polluted is not great, right?)

• "Some people are afraid of being filmed. I think I'm afraid of NOT being filmed." (Pam, as you know, people also love you off camera for who you are, when you go that route and stop looking for validation through your polluted image.)

• "I love gratuitous sex, boobs, all that stuff, go-go dancing. I think being a woman is such a blessing. You get to have so much fun." (Agreed. I have no problem with this statement whatsoever.)

It's priceless that you're saying some of these things while you are naked in a tub. You are correct when you say that everyone's nude in the shower, or whatever.

But why do you keep going back to bad boys like Tommy Lee, then hug him and wonder out loud, "Baby, baby, baby, why are we always in trouble?" Come on. You know why you're always in trouble. The real issue is, when will you be ready to stop behaving in ways that put you in trouble?

Also in "Pam," when your kid's selling lemonade, you gently talk about how good it tastes, but then you turn to the camera and say, "Just needs a little vodka." That's not cool, man! That's drunk-mommy talk that your kid could see and feel weird about.

And when you're walking around in Vegas with Criss Angel, you get discombobulated by your schedule and chirp, "We never know where we are!" Is it fun being lost, Pam Anderson?

Over the years, and recently, I've talked to people who've worked with you. They tend to say you are nice, smart, savvy, loyal to friends and family, approachable, fun and focused when it comes to crunch time. How awesome is it that people say these things about you?

Then again, sometimes, you can be hours and hours late for appointments and events, while people are waiting for you on the clock, as if their time isn't valuable. That is egotistical and disrespectful of you.

Or you show up hung over, or oddly lacking confidence, or (as I've witnessed once or twice) you just look like an overstressed, overbooked mess to the point that you don't respond to people talking to you.

Look, I think you're great in a lot of ways. What I'm suggesting is maybe it's time to map your life -- your real life, not the "we never know where we are" celebrity life that many of us are kind of bored with -- and place an "X" on that map, and say to yourself and a therapist, "Here I am. Deal with me, not with 'Pam Anderson,' but with me."

Doug Elfman's column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 702-383-0391 or e-mail him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.