LEFTOVERS

Never rule out the absurd when the topic is the New York Yankees. With the team mired in mediocrity and pressure mounting, the Yankees might be interested in signing Barry Bonds.

The Yankees' dysfunctional front office -- headed by Hank Steinbrenner and general manager Brian Cashman -- is busy collecting other teams' trash by signing Sidney Ponson and Richie Sexson.

Bonds could be next, according to MLBnewsonline.com, which reported Bonds' agent, Jeff Borris, and Cashman are in negotiations. Borris and Cashman said the story is untrue.

The report "comes from a source within the Yankees organization, though not through conventional channels. ... There is no reason to believe any news or speculation from this source has ever been wrong."

Bonds, who turns 44 on Thursday, is a free agent and a baseball outcast despite being the home run king with 762.

He's an outcast mostly because a federal grand jury indicted Bonds on perjury and obstruction of justice charges, alleging he lied while under oath about his possible use of steroids.

The Yankees never are boring, even when they're bad. But everyone is growing tired of hearing about Jason Giambi's mustache and Alex Rodriguez's rumored affair with Madonna.

Bringing Bonds to the Bronx Zoo could create carnival-like mayhem.

If he makes that move, Cashman should go a step further and add a between-innings sideshow act complete with a bearded lady, juggling midget and a banjo-playing dancing bear.

• BAILING ON BONDS -- The New York Post's Joel Sherman does not expect the Yankees to reach out to Bonds.

Wrote Sherman: "Yankees officials simply expressed no desire to enlist a 44-year-old who has not played since last season, is beset with physical and makeup issues, would need a few weeks to prove he could or couldn't still perform, and has federal charges pending."

• LOVE AND WHISKERS -- But the Yankees signing Bonds is not the strangest thing you've ever heard. This theory, found on a Web site with the title "Dark Carnival," tops them all: "A woman with a beard is not the worst choice for a wife. Shunned by others for her whiskers, she will love you all her life."

• LUTE NOT KIDDING AROUND -- Arizona basketball coach Lute Olson, 73, has had it with child stars.

First, Olson lost point guard Jerryd Bayless to the NBA Draft after Bayless' freshman year. Now, former Wildcats recruit Brandon Jennings has signed with an Italian pro league team, completing his plan to pass up college and play in Europe to prepare for next year's NBA Draft.

"If someone's a 'one-and-done,' we're not going to pursue them anymore, no way," Olson told the Los Angeles Times.

Olson might change his philosophy if he's losing games. For now, the turmoil in Tucson is good news for UNLV, which plays Arizona each of the next two seasons.

COMPILED BY MATT YOUMANS REVIEW-JOURNAL