Rooting for a team that hasn’t won a World Series in 103 years isn’t the only reason it can be painful to be a Chicago Cubs fan.
There are several other indignities, writes Chicago Now’s Dan Tello, including the tune “Go, Cubs, Go,” which he dubbed the “worst celebration song ever.”
“This song makes “Sweet Caroline” sound like “Stairway to Heaven,” Tello wrote.
He also can’t stand fans who “just like to go to Cubs games for the environment” at Wrigley Field, and he’s incredulous at the 1993 film “Rookie of the Year,” which ends after the Cubs win their division.
“The Cubs can’t even manage to win the World Series in a fictional tale,” Tello wrote. “Apparently the screenwriters thought a 12-year-old’s broken arm allowing him to throw 100 mph and dominate (major league baseball) was more believable than the Cubs winning the World Series.”
But topping Tello’s list is the “Curse of the Billy Goat.”
“Of course the Cubs wouldn’t even be cursed by a human,” he wrote. “Ironically, a franchise known for illogical decisions is cursed for making one of its few logical decisions, not letting (an expletive) farm animal attend a World Series game.”
■ GOLDEN WALLET — Former boxing champion Oscar De La Hoya lost his wallet Sunday night in Los Angeles and is offering a $1.5 million reward to get it back.
The black, thin wallet contained important documents and credit cards, but De La Hoya tweeted “there is something in there that money can’t buy … it was a food stamp I had for 28 years.”
De La Hoya reportedly kept the food stamp as a reminder of his humble beginnings and to help him stay grounded. And what better way to stay grounded than to pay somebody $1.5 million for it.
This tweet by De La Hoya might provide a clue as to how he lost his wallet: “Last night I had a driver, so I was able to enjoy a few tres generations tequila mmmmm.”
■ FREEZE, GOPHER — An irritated fan punched University of Minnesota mascot Goldy Gopher in the face Saturday during a men’s gymnastics meet at the school.
During the meet, the mascot sat behind Douglas Dokken, 60, and started “messing with him,” witness Barry Colthorpe said. Goldy tapped Dokken on the shoulder and ruffled his hair.
Dokken initially ignored Goldy’s antics, Colthorpe said, but within a couple of minutes, he snapped, turning around and punching Goldy in the face.
Goldy froze for a moment, but Dokken then hit him with another punch, forcing the uninjured gopher to burrow his way out of the area.
“I think it was clearly amusing — it’s not something you see every day,” Colthorpe, 27, said. “It was just two people fighting, but if one of them is dressed up as a 7-foot gopher, then it’s pretty amusing.”
A gopher hasn’t been treated this harshly at a sporting event since assistant greenskeeper Carl Spackler bombed the gopher holes at Bushwood Country Club during the caddy tournament in “Caddyshack.”
COMPILED BY TODD DEWEY
LAS VEGAS REVIEW-JOURNAL