FIFA fails to fix Blatter problem

I’m thinking Robin Williams would have put up more of a fight than the Prince.

This is when I miss the late comedian most. These types of moments.

This sort of lunacy.

Sepp Blatter was named president of FIFA for an unprecedented fifth term Friday amid the sort of chaos and turmoil and controversy that would normally signal an end to any official’s tenure short of electing the next captain of a Somalian pirate ship.

Not in soccer.

Not in the most powerful of football mafias.

“I am president of everybody,” Blatter proclaimed.

Where is a hanging chad when you need one?

In a week during which U.S. authorities indicted 14 people on bribery, racketeering, fraud and money-laundering charges within the sport and dating to the 1990s, Blatter’s 17-year run at the head of its international governing body continued when his opponent surrendered after one round of voting.

Blatter fell seven votes short of the two-thirds majority needed, but Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein trailed 133-73 and rightly thought he couldn’t make up the difference should all 209 countries vote again.

So he conceded, shook hands, kissed a bunch of people on both cheeks and headed back to his palace in Jordan.

There are worse fates.

The scene played out at FIFA’s 65th congress in Zurich, but it rivaled at times the entertaining performance of Williams in 1993, when he joined Blatter (then FIFA’s general secretary) in Las Vegas to announce the 1994 World Cup draw.

When the comic kept referring to his co-host as “Bladder” and made jokes about bodily organs and called the draw screen a Keno board and asked when it was time to pull the blue balls and put on a surgical glove to do so.

“It was a strange matching of bedfellows,” remembers Los Angeles Times sports columnist Bill Dwyre, who attended the draw and was then the newspaper’s sports editor. “In their worst moments and nightmares, Robin Williams and Sepp Blatter wouldn’t spend two minutes together. I remember thinking, ‘What kind of zoo have I gotten myself into?’ ”

Blatter was a nervous, impatient, agitated wreck that day.

He was just nervous Friday.

I’m not sure why, although the fact two boxes filled with paper ballots were dumped onto a table and hand counted by 11 people would make any candidate anxious. I have to believe FIFA can afford a Scantron machine, given there were only two choices.

I absolutely know some of that $150 million in bribes could go toward purchasing 209 No. 2 pencils.

Three countries cast invalid ballots, presumably to support Robin Williams as a write-in candidate.

The Palestinians also dropped their proposal to have the Israeli federation suspended, but that didn’t stop one fellow from ranting and raving during the proceedings, which made for some light moments as representatives from several countries figured out how to check one of two boxes.

Blatter is 79 and has spent years constructing a seemingly impermeable bubble around his presidency, free from the sort of torrential storm of unlawful deeds that found soccer with this week’s indictments. There hasn’t been a shred of evidence produced that he took part in the corruption, that he is as fraudulent as those arrested.

It also took time to get Lance Armstrong.

Prince Hussein tweeted Friday about FIFA needing to accept responsibility for its actions and not cast blame elsewhere and offer leadership that governs and guides and protects its national associations. He has consistently criticized FIFA’s dishonest ways.

The poor guy didn’t stand a chance.

At worst, Blatter is Vito Corleone with a Swiss accent.

At best, he is Robin Hood.

His families are all those small, poor, starving countries of which he has won their hearts and minds and souls and, obviously, votes. Their people are ridiculously loyal to him. He is their hero, the quintessential politician who visits them, erects soccer centers for them, employs them, hugs them, kisses their babies. He is a savior to those in Africa and the Caribbean and parts of Asia.

He might as well be a congressman from Iowa buttering up constituents and making sure those government construction contracts go to the good people of the Hawkeye state.

How ironic. In the same week the United States suddenly stepped forward to police a sport it hardly recognizes as its most treasured, yet another moment when a majority of those voting cast a disapproving eye at what they consider our arrogant and elitist nature, the democratic process of one vote per country ultimately sent Blatter back to office for another four years.

Meanwhile, U.S. soccer president Sunil Gulati backed the justice department by throwing his federation’s support behind Prince Hussein, publicly hugging the latter after his concession speech.

Translation: Don’t hold your breath on another World Cup coming to the States any time soon.

In fact, had the U.S. been awarded the Cup over Qatar in 2022, there is a good chance we wouldn’t have heard one word from the attorney general this week and most Americans still would have no clue who in the world Sepp from Switzerland is. But now, there is every chance a vindictive president will do his absolute best to make things hell on American soccer.

“We don’t need revolutions, but we always need evolution,” Blatter told the congress. “You see that I am in a good mood. I want to fix FIFA together, with you. For the next four years, I will be in command of this boat called FIFA, and we will bring it back offshore.”

Some believe him a crook, others a hero.

But if it’s true no one is untouchable, Sepp Blatter is about as close as you get.

Even amid all the chaos and turmoil and controversy, even while operating under the darkest cloud of scandal in FIFA’s 111-year history, the guy was more of a shoe-in than Reagan in 1984.

He is that powerful.

This is how the world works, and the rest of the world doesn’t care much for us getting involved in what it believes is none of our business.

It just took a 47-count indictment to hammer the point home.

Las Vegas Review-Journal sports columnist Ed Graney can be reached at egraney@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-4618. He can be a heard on “Seat and Ed” on KRLV 1340 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. Monday through Friday. Follow him on Twitter: @edgraney.