Changing view on sex might not be welcomed

In recent months, a relationship has developed between me and a very wonderful soul. I like her very much and I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to make this relationship a lasting success.

We're having sex on most weekends. Though we enjoy it, we both know it is wrong. I want God's blessing on this relationship. But I don't believe that is possible if we continue to go against his rules, especially one as critical as this.

I am wrestling with how the subject of refraining will be received by her.

Briefly I have hinted at the notion. Her response was along the lines of not wanting to go there, probably not wanting to acknowledge it is wrong and not wanting to refrain. Deep down I think she, too, believes it is wrong. She's hardly a sex fiend and neither am I; I don't think restraint should be such a difficult challenge.

Though I am very open to the idea of us getting married down the road, it is probably too soon to be discussing marriage with her. I just wish I knew how I could get her to agree to this decision and see the long-term value in doing so.

To abstain must be done. Out of the interest of maintaining our relationship and doing the right thing, how do I go about initiating this and what should I not do?

-- S.D., Las Vegas

If premarital sex is always and in every case "against God's rules" (and a "critical" rule at that), and if God withholds God's blessing of any marriage wherein premarital sex is occurring, and if you value following God's rules, especially the critical rules, and if, conversely, you value and seek God's blessing in your marriage, then ... not only will you abstain, but it won't ultimately matter if your girlfriend "agrees with this decision." Because real men don't wantonly and intentionally betray their own values. Especially the critical ones. Not even for the love of a woman.

But I'd get ready for some fuss. I'm saying my betting money isn't on her saying: "What a relief! I'm so grateful you took the role of spiritual leadership and put an end to our breaking God's rule. You're my hero!"

In point of fact, I won't be surprised if she protests or even becomes indignant and angry. I won't be surprised if she experiences your new boundary, at least on the front end, as a distancing or a rejection. And, gotta be frank, if she walked into my office with this story and her anger, I'd support her anger. That is, I would think she had a grievance.

Why? Because sex is ontic. That is, there's no such thing as "just sex." It creates bonds between people, whether acknowledged or ignored.

Essentially you'll have to say: "Hey, you know that powerful bond we've created and been enjoying? Well, it was fun, but it wasn't right. At least not for me. So I can't attend to, nurture or grow it for the indefinite future. It's gonna have to just sit there while I/we attend to nurturing and growing other kinds of bonds."

Ouch. You can see how she might have a "Now you tell me, Preacher Boy!" kind of response.

Now, I did not say your religious values about sex are bogus, nor did I say you should discard those values and continue to "roll in the hay" with her.

That's none of my business.

What I did say -- am saying -- is that, if you want to forgo premarital sex on the grounds of your values after you've already been having sex in contradiction to those values ... well, you might do well to begin with a sincere apology to her.

Then talk. Here are some discussion questions:

Is it true that premarital sex is, in every case, unholy? And, if so, does that mean that weddings make sex holy?

Compare and contrast: 1) Premarital sex is unholy, and 2) Healthy marriage is the context in which God's purpose for sex has the best chance of thriving.

What is sex? What is God's purpose for it? How do we (as a couple) decide which of God's rules are "critical" and which are not as critical?

And ask her what she really believes. Because here you've equivocated, saying, "We both know it's wrong" and "Deep down I think she, too, believes it is wrong."

Too soon for marriage? I agree. You say "I like her very much." Good for you! But traditional marriage vows don't say "Like, honor, and cherish." The vows say "Love."

I'd wait until you were inside-out crazy in love with her.

Originally published in View News, Sept. 21, 2010.