Ironically, self-consciousness impedes self-awareness

I just recently found myself in a breakup. My ex informed me that I, much too often, "read into things." She is right. I realize everyone has their quirks and that's what makes us normal, but my "reading into things" makes me feel imprisoned in my own mind.

A most recent example: Before we broke up, I sent her a steamy text. Not vulgar in any way. The more time passed, the more I started to worry about what I'd written. After about 10 minutes with no reply from her I sent her another text explaining how I didn't expect the steamy action I'd written about and that I respected her as a person.

I have this kind of moment many times during the days, about many of my interactions. I've tried to stop this behavior and to figure out why it is I do it, but I am not a psychologist. I would very much appreciate any insight and/or sage wisdom.

-- M., Las Vegas

Questions like this engage the part of me that is always asking, "What's really going on?" But let's begin with what you think is really going on.

You realize your ex is right. You, too often, read into things. So often that you can no longer call it a quirk; rather, a prison of your mind.

I wonder if you are describing intense self-consciousness and the anxiety self-consciousness produces? While self-consciousness is a normal stage of adolescent development, some adults get stuck there.

And don't confuse self-consciousness with self-awareness. Ironically, painful self-consciousness greatly impedes the capacity to be self-aware. The ego begins, literally, to make up stories. Stories about us and stories about others. Stories about what things mean. It begins to relentlessly interpret actions, symbols and words and most often to interpret those things negatively.

Are you stuck there? The good news is you can get unstuck. "Unstuck" means building the core of you. Helping you find a firmer grip on your own selfhood, which makes anxiety about other people's perceptions less necessary. And it doesn't require a year of depth psychotherapy. In six to eight sessions, a competent therapist could intervene to help you change some thinking patterns, and to promote and encourage the development of a stronger you.

Or ...

Some people, especially in love relationships, find themselves ever on alert. Hyper-alert. As if sentinels are posted, round the clock, to make sure you don't miss something. Especially something bad. Especially the behavior of someone who is taking you for granted. Or divesting from the relationship. Or discarding you. Or, worse, a behavior duplicitous, deceptive or even treacherous.

Hyper-alertness is a defense mechanism. And it only appears to be a defense against getting hurt. In fact, it's a defense against the necessity of risking trust. It's a way to hedge the bet of great love. It's a way to try to love someone without ever trusting them. Our ego actually convinces us that it will hurt less if we anticipate pain, rejection or betrayal, as opposed to being surprised by it. So, stay on alert. Stand vigil.

The human ego is a liar.

So, based on what you think is going on, these would be two ideas I would offer you to explore. Let's turn to your "most recent example."

A steamy text. A steamy text falling into a vacuum. There's no response. Ten minutes have passed. And, in that vacuum, your ego begins to tell stories. She might think I'm vulgar. She might think I have sexual expectations. She might think I don't respect her.

I would tell your ego to sit down and shut up. Because here is the truth:

For many men and many couples, strategic vulgarity is part of the repertoire of thriving sexual courtship. The man you are has no need to apologize for that. And you do have sexual expectations. Any self-respecting man does! And one of the ways men respect their mates is by bringing, in the right measure, the wholeness of their sexuality to the fore (as opposed to those men who have polite "good little boy" sex with their wives and take the rest of themselves to the local bar or Bunny Ranch.)

And her? Maybe her cell phone battery died. Or maybe she's in the shower.

Or maybe she has forgotten what a risk it is for a guy to put himself out there, sexually speaking. That he's fine with her not always being in the mood; but, ignoring an overture like this is ... hurtful.

Originally published in View News, Sept. 7, 2010.