5 Ancillary Uses for Heidi Montag's Shiny Boobs (with pix)

Heidi Montag's boobs turned in a paid appearance at Aria’s pool Saturday. I love me some big fake boobs. But these Hindenburgs?

Here are five things that may be discovered in the crevices of Heidi Montag’s boobs in the future. (Courtesy photo by Denise Truscello/WireImage.)

1. Olivia Newton John’s missing ex-boyfriend.

2. The remote control, a quarter, two dimes and a gum wrapper.

3. Michael Jackson’s doctor.

4. Tiger mistress No. 1,800.

5. Dave Chappelle’s third season.

Five ancillary uses for Heidi Montag’s shiny boobs.

1. Cocktail tray.

2. AM radio transmitter so she can learn more about her and Spencer's conspiracy theory that 9/11 was “an inside job.”

3. A gravity assist for astronauts to slingshot around Earth toward the moon.

4. The Jaws of Life, if she ever happens upon a car wreck.

5. A practical joke on starving kids in impoverished nations.

look how shiny!

(This is satire, obviously. Heidi's not hiding remote controls or Spencer's brain or anything like that.)