Adult Film Awards: So Bad They’re Good
The sound system at Saturday’s AVNs was so weak, inside the Mandalay Bay Events Center, that when Tera Patrick was on stage talking, I could barely hear her in my left ear, while in my right ear, I could hear a heckler-woman way in the back of the arena screaming nasty metaphors at Patrick:
“F--- you, Tera. F--- you, f----ing douche bag whore!”
I have no idea why this woman hated Tera Patrick.
But who cares, really?
Co-host Thea Vidale was pretty funny. She described “girl-girl” videos as: “That’s when two girls f--- and then go buy shoes.”
She also told a great inside joke, that a porn title yet to be made could be called, “Black Ass Addiction: the Story of Robert DeNiro.”
There’s no point in going over the whole show, especially because it was mostly just porn stars doing canny intros for awards, and canny pre-recorded sketches — and yet they kind of worked for being so-bad-they-were-good. I mean, the canniness was somehow effective for being intentionally cheesy.
Not very odd: They did whole nomination presentations for some awards, like “Best Anal.” But categories that would be stretched out at the Oscars came only in a flurry of voice-over readings at the end of the night, around midnight. A guy off stage read dozens and dozens of award winners, like for:
Best Screenplay, Best Art Direction, Best Special Effects, Best Non-sex Performance, uh Best Foot/Leg Fetish Release, and so on.
I can’t quote many of the winning titles here. Too naughty. But here are three creative one: “It’s A Daddy Thing.” “It’s Big, It’s Black, It’s Jack.” And “Big Wet Asses 13” by Elegant Angel Productions. You have to love a movie called “Big Wet Asses” produced by a company with the word “Elegant” in it.
The big winning film was the big-budget “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge.”
And? As everyone was filing out of the Events Center, a cameraman stuck his lens up a woman’s dress, sending a visual onto the big screens of … her using a finger atop a “delores” part of her anatomy. You can’t spell “class” without “ass.”
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