Watching the Adult Video News Awards is like watching the Golden Globes, except at the AVNs, the actors try harder but are less believable; the video monitors don’t flash up the names of winners; and you hear the word “ass” more often in a five-minute stretch than you’ll hear it all year long.
The sound system at Saturday’s AVNs was so weak, inside the Mandalay Bay Events Center, that when Tera Patrick was on stage talking, I could barely hear her in my left ear, while in my right ear, I could hear a heckler-woman way in the back of the arena screaming nasty metaphors at Patrick:
“F--- you, Tera. F--- you, f----ing douche bag whore!”
I have no idea why this woman hated Tera Patrick.
But who cares, really?
Co-host Thea Vidale was pretty funny. She described “girl-girl” videos as: “That’s when two girls f--- and then go buy shoes.”
She also told a great inside joke, that a porn title yet to be made could be called, “Black Ass Addiction: the Story of Robert DeNiro.”
There’s no point in going over the whole show, especially because it was mostly just porn stars doing canny intros for awards, and canny pre-recorded sketches — and yet they kind of worked for being so-bad-they-were-good. I mean, the canniness was somehow effective for being intentionally cheesy.
Not very odd: They did whole nomination presentations for some awards, like “Best Anal.” But categories that would be stretched out at the Oscars came only in a flurry of voice-over readings at the end of the night, around midnight. A guy off stage read dozens and dozens of award winners, like for:
Best Screenplay, Best Art Direction, Best Special Effects, Best Non-sex Performance, uh Best Foot/Leg Fetish Release, and so on.
I can’t quote many of the winning titles here. Too naughty. But here are three creative one: “It’s A Daddy Thing.” “It’s Big, It’s Black, It’s Jack.” And “Big Wet Asses 13” by Elegant Angel Productions. You have to love a movie called “Big Wet Asses” produced by a company with the word “Elegant” in it.
The big winning film was the big-budget “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge.”
And? As everyone was filing out of the Events Center, a cameraman stuck his lens up a woman’s dress, sending a visual onto the big screens of … her using a finger atop a “delores” part of her anatomy. You can’t spell “class” without “ass.”