Dear President Barack Obama, I nominate Venetian comedian Iliza Shlesinger to be America’s czar against phone companies.
She lost her iPhone on holiday in Mexico. Then she went on Twitter to lay out the following consumerist message against Apple and Verizon.
“I’ve been with Verizon for 10 years, and they wouldn’t help me AT ALL when I lost my iPhone and had to pay full retail for a new one — you pieces of (expletive),” she wrote.
“I’ve given you tens of thousands of dollars and you couldn’t move my upgrade up ONCE?” (I edited these Twitter posts to spell out her Twitter shorthand.)
Shlesinger performs Friday-Saturday at The Venetian with Heather McDonald, as part of the hotel’s new women-are-amazing series, “Lipshtick.”
Shlesinger tried to switch phone service at a T-Mobile store, but she tweeted from there that two “middle school grads in bad ties” told her she had to wait 30 minutes while they served another customer.
So she blasted Verizon again.
“I pay every bill on time. I let you charge me overages. I’ve never lost a phone, and you couldn’t THIS ONCE be like, ‘OK, here’s some help,’ ” she wrote. “ ‘Customer loyalty?’ How about company loyalty? How about you don’t try to (expletive) us every time life happens?”
Amen. I fired AT&T in December after they soaked me for nearly $130 a month for two years (although the customer service people were nice to me).
Now I’m on a Sprint service provider called TextNow: $19 per month. Guess what. It works. I use a Sprint Samsung Note 2 I bought for $250 from Glyde.com.
Shlesinger was pretty fired up when she was on the phone with me.
But to be honest, she’s pretty fired up a lot, as a character trait, which is why Obama or Elizabeth Warren should hire her.
“Once in a while, it’s good to just get away, and then lose your $600 iPhone somewhere in Mexico, and you get to pay full retail for a brand new one,” she told me.
Obviously, I stupidly asked her where was the last place she saw her phone, as if she hadn’t thought of that approach.
“My friend and I went to this restaurant where we did tequila shots,” she said.
“It’s a story of our times,” I said. “A cellphone is everything.”
“It really is,” she said. “The most annoying thing is passwords. Basically my whole day has been me dealing with Apple and Verizon, and passwords. Hopefully life will go on.”
Shlesinger, whose second Netflix special comes out in September, is excited about being part of the all-female comedians lineup of “Lipschtick,” which offers gigs by Rita Rudner, Caroline Rhea, Wendy Liebman, Lisa Lampanelli, Whitney Cummings, Joy Behar, Susie Essman, Jen Kirkman, Natasha Leggero, Jennifer Coolidge and Loni Love.
“They did a good job of picking popular female comics. This isn’t like, ‘Hot funny comedy night with ladies.’ These are women with real careers who make real money and are on TV,” she said.
By the way, just because Shlesinger is angry at phone companies, that doesn’t mean she’s going to take that out on fans.
Her message to “Lipschtick” ticket holders:
“I want people to come over after and take pictures and say ‘Hi,’ and don’t be afraid. Come say ‘Hi.’
“If you’re a fan, I’m a fan.”
Doug Elfman’s column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Email him at email@example.com. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.