Oscar Goodman sounded disappointed. He went to his roast expecting to be barbecued.
Instead, the former mob attorney and three-time Las Vegas mayor informed a zinger-craving crowd, “I will not give you a refund because the roasters stunk.”
Goodman added, “This is really incredible. These are the most talented people who gave the worst performances of their entire careers tonight.”
Not everyone let him off easy at the second Showbiz Roast, held Tuesday at the Stratosphere. Some just ran out of time because of a strictly enforced three-minute rule.
Entertainer Clint Holmes came up with another classic parody, following up on his devastating musical spoof of Chris Phillips of Zowie Bowie in the inaugural roast in April.
“Does Anyone Know What Time It Is?” became “Does Anyone Know Who Zowie Bowie Is?”
This time, Holmes turned Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” into a satire about Goodman’s love of oversized martinis. One of Holmes’ retooled lyrics went: “Yes, there were times when we all knew, he put back more than a few, but every time he filled his cup, two showgirls came to help him up.”
Another crowd favorite was Geechy Guy, an eleventh-hour replacement for ailing Steve Rossi (double hernia).
“What can you say about Oscar Goodman that he hasn’t said about himself?” Guy asked. “They say the mob has ways of making you talk, but apparently they aren’t as good at getting you to shut the (expletive) up.”
Former headliner Pia Zadora, making her first public appearance since her June arrest in connection with allegations she choked her teenage son, poked fun at herself.
“For those who don’t know me, read the tabloids,” Zadora said.
She added, “I’m 35 years old, a two-time Oscar winner and a virgin. I can say that. Oscar told me that based on his past clients, no one really gets in trouble for perjury.”
Zadora thanked Goodman for choosing The Miracle League of Las Vegas as the evening’s charity of choice. The Miracle League allows children with cognitive and/or physical challenges to play baseball.
It “means a lot to my family,” she said, because “my son Jordan is a huge baseball fan and is a special-needs young man.”
The roasters included roastmaster Murray SawChuck, Rich Little, The Amazing Jonathan and his former sidekick Penny Wiggins (as the foul-mouthed trollop “Lola the showgirl”), chef Carla Pellegrino, Rick Dale of History.com’s “Rick’s Restorations,” Mac King, Michael “Wheels” Parise, Heidi Harris, The Rat Pack, The Phat Pack and yours truly.
Producer Andy Walmsley announced “Divas Las Vegas” headliner Frank Marino will be the next roastee Oct. 4.
THE SCENE AND HEARD
The stars of “Raiding the Rock Vault,” who perform at the LVH, are holding a 60th birthday party for former heavyweight champion Leon Spinks on Aug. 17.
Actress Christina Milian, social media correspondent for NBC’s “The Voice,” with friends at Surrender (Encore) on Wednesday. ... Twin sisters Tia and Tamera Mowry of Style Network’s “Tia & Tamera” reality show, filming “Divas Las Vegas” (The Quad).
THE PUNCH LINE
“Taylor Swift canceled a radio contest to meet her biggest fan when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Nothing’s working out for Anthony Weiner these days.” — Conan O’Brien
Norm Clarke’s column appears Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. He can be reached at 702-383-0244 or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Find more online at www.normclarke.com. Follow Norm on Twitter @Norm_Clarke. “Norm Clarke’s Vegas,” airs Thursdays on the “Morning Blend” on KTNV-TV, Channel 13.