For spring training, the Chicago Cubs take on the Chicago White Sox tonight and Saturday at Cashman Field. I'm throwing out the first pitch today. Come cheer me on.
Ozzie Guillen, the outspoken White Sox manager, was supposed to call me Thursday for this very column. Alas, he never did.
So, Ozzie, no offense, but here are three questions I had for you, plus answers I would have given if I were you.
Question: On Thursday, the Sox tied the Cleveland Indians, 5-5. Like they say, "A tie is like kissing your sister," right?
Answer: I've been married 27 years. A tie is also like kissing your wife.
Q: Why were you wearing pajamas covered in images of Papa Smurf to that WGN-TV interview the other day?
A: I was wearing what? You're loco.
Q: No really, you did. Anyway, I'm throwing out the first pitch tonight. Then on Saturday, our fashion editor Xazmin Garza is throwing out the first pitch. Any advice?
A: If you're a guy, throw from the mound. If you don't, expect real men to throw bras at you.
FYI: The games are at 7:05 p.m. tonight and at 1:05 p.m. Saturday. Tickets cost $30-$50.
CELEBS, CLUBS AND CARPETS
Pauly D of "Jersey Shore" starts a DJ residency with the Palms' N9NE Group clubs by spinning at ghostbar after midnight tonight. ... Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker is back in action again on the club scene. Half a year after his friend and club partner (and fellow plane crash survivor) DJ AM died of a drug overdose in New York, Travis is performing tonight at Caesars club Pure with DJ A-Trak. ... Soulja Boy performs "Crank That" and "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" tonight at CityCenter club Eve. ... Jerome Bettis walks a 10 p.m. red carpet Friday at Tao. ... The Bank presents a $15,000 check to Katie Cassidy on the red carpet Friday to help build a library in Malawi. ... Actor and rapper Common shows up Saturday at Haze. ... Rob Kardashian does his birthday Friday at Jet. ... Look for a red carpet at 6 p.m. Saturday at The Mirage for Terry Fator's year-anniversary show. ... Matt Goss has an 8:30 p.m. red carpet for his opening at Caesars tonight, promising Mel B., Natasha Bedingfield, Leona Lewis and Laura Croft.
Doug Elfman's column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 383-0391 or e-mail him at email@example.com. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.