How to forecast weather? Let us count the ways


Cool, dude.

Then onto cold, frosty, freezing and frigid.

All applied to last week's gimmick du jour when Channel 3 weather wizard Kevin Janison reported the meltdown of sweat-soaked Las Vegas from inside a freezer. The ice cream vault of Anderson Dairy, to be exact. Wrapped in a coat. Pointing a gloved hand toward a thermostat reading 20 degrees below zero. Dropping a frozen shirt and socks on the floor. Blowing his visible breath into the camera to fog up the lens.

Feel cooler already, right?

Such silliness would, in this column, surely invite ... praise? Explanation to come. For now, several other suggestions on how Janison can deliver the weather with a wink:

As a sock puppet show. ... As a game of charades. ... As a drinking game (downing vodka shots every time Janison points out a one-degree difference between Vegas and elsewhere in the valley). ...

As Shakespearean verse ("Now is the winter storm of our discontent"). ... As bad poetry ("Air mass in red, barometric pressure in blue; I understand this cockamamie map and you ain't got a clue"). ... As classic movie dialogue ("I'm hot as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore!"). ... As naughty limericks ("There once was a cold front from Nantucket"). ...

As karaoke ("Hot Child in the City," "Laughter in the Rain," "Cold as Ice," "Here Comes the Sun," "Riders on the Storm"), with Jim Snyder, Kendall Tenney, Sophia Choi and Sue Manteris singing backup (billed as Kevin Janison and the Kevettes). ... As a straightforward weathercast, delivered while refereeing a lesbian wrestling match in lime Jell-O (assuming no copyright infringement lawsuits by Howard Stern). ...

Or standing on his head.

Seems reasonable given the batty Australian who recited the temps hanging upside down. Or the many costume-clad clowns, including ex-Bozo Willard Scott and the late Tex Antoine in New York, dressed in artist's smock and beret. Or the weather handled by beauty queens, Playboy models, comic shouters, celebrity guests and a pre-late night David Letterman. A pantheon of performing prognosticators to inspire stunt-prone Channel 3.

The honorable "wacky weatherman" (and weatherwoman) tradition of decades ago needs to come full circle in full force now that meteorological info is a 24/7 click/keypunch away on your cell phone, Blackberry, laptop and assorted techno doodads.

After eons of Doppler radar, satellite imagery and straight-faced utterances of "rain events" that transformed weather segments into climatological seminars -- and excepting days of extreme Vegas conditions such as excessive heat warnings, windstorms and the occasional freak snow dusting or flood -- let's bring back a touch of vaudeville: Give Channel 13's Bryan Scofield a Harpo horn, Channel 8's Sherry Swensk a bottle of Vitameatavegamin and Channel 5's Darren Peck a watermelon and special edition Gallagher sledgehammer.

Here's one more Janison suggestion, subject to FCC approval: Naked Weather. ... Relax, Kev, we're kidding.

But about the lesbians and the lime Jell-O ...

Contact reporter Steve Bornfeld at sbornfeld@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0256.

 

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