Monday, September 15, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal

FORGING BONDS: All in the Family

Weekly activity nights benefit unity, communication

Photos by Ralph Fountain. The Bulloch family -- parents Howard and Cristi, and their daughters Bethany, left, and Laurel -- make peach pies during their weekly family night gathering. Howard and Cristi Bulloch and daughters Laurel, 11, and Bethany, 5, share a song as part of their Monday evening time together. Howard Bulloch reads to his children Bethany, left, and Laurel during Family Night.

Once, while on a family vacation, Cristi and Howard Bulloch's youngest daughter interrupted a family gathering with an urgent question.

Their daughter, now 5, "said, 'It's Monday night. Why aren't we having family home evening?' ' Cristi Bulloch recalled.

Cristi and Howard were surprised -- but pleasantly so -- that the family's weekly activity night had made such an impression on their daughter.

Fortunately, Bethany was amenable to rescheduling the weekly family-only gathering for another night. But, Cristi said, "that made me realize that this is important."

It's important to other families, too, who have discovered that participating in a weekly activity together can help to strengthen family bonds, improve parent-child communication and -- not at all incidentally -- be lots of fun.

Granted, families do all sorts of things together every day. Often, though, opportunities for genuine face-to-face family interaction are buried by the distractions, obligations and routines of everyday life.

Sometimes, Howard Bulloch said, "parents only talk to a child a few minutes a day, or (while) going down the hallway."

In contrast, he continued, setting aside a distraction-free hour or two at a designated time each week for an activity that involves the entire family offers "the opportunity to have a full-sentence or full-paragraph conversation with our children."

The Bullochs set aside every Monday evening for uninterrupted time with their daughters. What's interesting, Howard Bulloch noted, is that Laurel, 11, and Bethany, 5, "anticipate it all week long. They plan it and think about what they're going to do that night."

On Monday nights, "they know they have their parents' full attention and we have their full attention," he said. "That's what makes it different, I think."

"It's one thing to sit down and interact as a family," agreed John Hanks, whose family long made it a point to spend Sunday and Monday evenings together. "It's another thing to go to an event where you're just part of the crowd."

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints encourages families to spend Monday evenings in what it calls Family Home Evening.

Toward that end, the Bullochs try to weave "at least one spiritual thought" into their regular Monday evening activity, Cristi Bulloch said, "whether it's a religious, spiritual-type thought or a social type of thing."

But any family can benefit from participating in a shared activity for a few hours each week without the distractions of TV, telephone calls or other people.

For Ramona and Greg Beasley and their children, daily dinnertime is sacrosanct family time.

Beasley is adolescent group facilitator at Bridge Counseling Associates and also teaches parenting classes, and her husband is a high school math teacher and military reservist. So, she said, "you have to make (time) when you can."

In addition to enjoying their daily dinners together, Beasley's family makes it a point to participate in some sort of shared activity every weekend.

"As the week flows, we make sure that happens, whether we sit down to play board games or go out hiking," she said.

"We talk about what they want to do this week, and they pick one thing we can afford and make time for. At times, all they want to do is be home together, so we'll rent movies and pop popcorn."

Beasley said scheduling regular family activities is particularly important in her family "because we have a blended family and we work hard to make sure the kids have time to talk to us.

"I think there are a lot of benefits. One is that, even in the blended family, they have a real sense of family, and taking care of each other, and being there for each other."

Still, coordinating family members' schedules can be difficult. A good start, said Dr. Norton Roitman, a Las Vegas child and adolescent psychiatrist, is to look at "the family's natural schedule, and add (a family activity) on to something that's already occurring, such as church."

The important thing is to commit to a regular day and time, Cristi Bulloch said. "If you don't have a day set aside, it makes it hard because it slips by. If you have a day set aside, then it seems to work better."

"But make a commitment: 'We're gonna do this, we're gonna set aside Monday night for our family' " Howard Bulloch added, "so that it's disciplined into our lifestyle that we're trying very hard to reserve that night."

Getting teenagers to commit can be particularly difficult, John Hanks conceded. "You know how kids are. They want to go their own way a lot of times."

But eventually, he added, "they get into the habit."

The Bullochs have found that involving the kids in the planning process helps. In fact, their daughters usually take turns planning Monday evening's family activity.

"Like, our 5-year-old wanted us to all go swimming together, so we did," Howard Bulloch said. "Another time our other daughter just wanted to get root beer floats and just talk."

"One time, we painted our garage floor as a family," he said. "We all got paint on us, but it was a memorable experience."

Beasley said her family has spent their shared time reading a book to their youngest child. "I found my older kids like to take turns reading to her, so we might all get on a couch and pass the book around," she said.

"We've gone to the (Henderson) bird preserve because it's cheap -- donation only. We like to go to Red Rock. It's five bucks a car and we can climb or walk."

"One thing we have coming up is planting flowers in the front yard," Beasley continued. "My 3-year-old wants plants in the yard, and I can get the other two involved in that."

"We play board games," Beasley said, "although no one will play with us because we're all very competitive."

"There are times when we do nothing but relax. They'll say, 'It's been a long week and I'm tired. Can I just chill on Saturday?' I'll say, 'Know what? Let's chill. Let's not get out of our pajamas all day and make nachos all day.'

"Sometimes they just want to be home with us and not have me go to work or have my husband go to work on Saturday."

Don't worry too much about the particular activity, Linda Hanks said. "I think if you put as a priority that you want to spend time with your kids, then you're sort of inspired as to the way to do it."

After a few family night sessions have passed, you may find that you're talking to your kids in a way you haven't during those previous random, now-and-again occasions.

"That's the main reason you want to do it: Just so you have an open line of communication with your children," Cristi Bulloch noted. "Kids know they can come to a parent asking questions and come to parents for help."

Eventually, family night will turn into a family tradition, Linda Hanks said, "and if you stop doing it, everybody will notice."

In fact, John Hanks said that although only his and Linda's 17-year-old daughter still lives at home, "there was just never any question that we'd continue having family home evening when it was just the three of us."

And now, Linda Hanks added, "our three older kids are all married and have their own kids, and every one has their own family home evening."