While NFL experts already are singing the praises of the 2006 elite -- "Falcons and Ravens are soaring," "Bengals and Bears to meet in the Super Bowl!" -- we at "Rants & Raves" choose to mock the league's sickly, its infirm, its incapable of putting up even a little fight:

So, wazzzup, Raiders and Buccaneers?

We'll put it bluntly: You guys give stink a whole new smell. You should play your games in slaughterhouses, for both literal and figurative reasons.

Oakland, you've been outscored 55-6 this season. Tampa Bay, you've been outscored 41-3.

Both of you like to lay claim to that "Yaaarrr!" pirate swagger. Truth be told, you're playing with patches over both eyes -- especially on offense.

In fact, the Bucs are so weak we actually believe that coach Jon Gruden's team would lose to the Arena Football League's Orlando Predators, coached by Jon's younger brother, Jay.

As for Oakland, let's just say "Raider Nation" has shrunk to "Raider Cul-de-sac." The vaunted Silver and Black? Aha! Make that the Silver and Bleeech!

(Note to Raiders' fans who wear those outlandish "Mad Max"-refugee costumes: Nothing is more pathetic than a guy dressed in spikes and skulls with a torrent of tears causing his face paint to run.)

Hey, if you're a fan of either team and you disagree with our critical take, feel free to e-mail us: Our address is scoreaTDfirst.com. ...

• Oh, now Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys has a broken ring finger? How appropriate. This is a guy who hasn't fulfilled a commitment to anyone he has ever played for -- at least as far as being a team player. ...

• Let's see, the NFL has had problems with commercials for Las Vegas -- even those that don't feature sports betting or gaming of any sort -- appearing on its Super Bowl telecasts. The league also had problems with a boob -- no, we're not talking about former commissioner Paul Tagliabue -- being shown during Super Bowl halftime.

Hmmm. Then what gives with the commercials the NFL is allowing its TV partners to air this season for the new Xbox 360 video game Saints Row? You know, the one that features a "gangsta" toting a machine gun, hinting at scenes of violence?

In reading several reviews for this game -- heaven knows I would never buy such crap! -- the activities of the simulated gang members include: carjackings, robbing store owners, shooting at the police and, as one game-player writes, "just beating the snot out of each other."

Nice.

New league commissioner Roger Goodell, we await your explanation about allowing these commercials to air on your games. ...

• One final NFL note: New Review-Journal football handicapper Lisa Perry -- admit it, guys, you love the column picture of the former Indianapolis Colts cheerleader in Sunday's sports section -- bounced back from a 2-3 opening week with a 5-0 tally this past weekend.

That included taking three double-digit favorites, which is routinely a sucker bet. ...

• A sad, but not completely unexpected, update on former UNLV basketball player Keon Clark, whose first name is actually Arian:

Clark, 31, has an Oct. 30 court date in Danville, Ill., on charges of possession of cocaine and marijuana and driving under the influence.

The 6-foot-11-inch Clark, who played for the Rebels from 1996-98, was arrested following a traffic stop for erratic driving in September 2005. His black 2003 Mercedes-Benz S55, valued at $66,000, was seized under the state's drug forfeiture act.

If found guilty on all charges, the long-drug-troubled Clark -- who played for four teams during a short run in the NBA, concluding with the Sacramento Kings in 2003 -- could spend 10 years in prison.

Like father, like son, you might say: Two years ago, Clark's father, John, was sentenced to 65 years in prison for killing a Danville friend after a fight over, of all things, a bicycle. ...

• Proof positive that you can sell your soul -- if not to the devil, then to the general public: Part-time Las Vegan Pete Rose, baseball's all-time hit king and all-time shuckster-for-a-buckster, reportedly has autographed 30 "Confession Balls" on which he admits, in indelible ink, that he bet on baseball.

Rose, who in 1989 was banned from baseball for life for his actions, is having the balls sold by a New Jersey auction house at a price of $1,000 apiece.

Uh, no thanks, Pete.

We'll wait for the autographed "Confession Balls" that read "I lied to my many fans for 15 years."

Joe Hawk's "Rants & Raves" column appears Tuesday. He can be reached at 387-2912 or jhawk@reviewjournal.com.