Republicans reach all-time lows in debates

If ever there was an event that screamed out for a drinking game, it’s the Republican debate scheduled for Thursday night.

Only replace the alcohol you normally serve with copious IV Propofol.

If you watched the last Republican debate, you know what I’m talking about. Candidates talking over each other. Candidates insulting each other. Candidates with incomprehensible plans. Poor Wolf Blitzer of CNN standing at the side of the stage like a well-groomed lawn gnome.

It’s only gotten worse in the days since. Republicans have reached full-scale panic mode as businessman Donald Trump continues to make America grate again. (This was written before the polls closed on Super Tuesday, but I’m guessing Trump did pretty well.)

Florida U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio — obviously realizing that to defeat a Trump, he must become a Trump — has taken to calling The Donald a “con man,” commenting upon Trump’s (alleged) spray tan and pointing out the size of his, ahem, small hands.

In fairness, Trump started it, referring to Rubio as “Little Marco” and commenting on his big ears and propensity to sweat. He’s lambasted Texas U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz, calling him a maniac, noting that he’s essentially friendless in the Senate and saying on Twitter that Cruz has accomplished “absolutely nothing” for his constituents. (That’s actually not a bad thing, considering Cruz’s policy prescriptions. The real worry would be if Cruz did accomplish something.)

For his part, Cruz warns that Trump would be just like Hillary Clinton (the horror!) and that Trump is unsure of what he’d do in office (presumably because he lacks a core ideology). He also slammed Trump for donating money to former President Bill Clinton’s foundation.

It’s gotten so bad, Dr. Ben Carson on Monday asked all the candidates for president to a private meeting before Thursday’s debate, saying he shares the concerns of some voters “… that this race has taken a turn for the worse, to the point of embarrassment on the world stage.”

No disrespect, doc, but this race took its turn several exits back, and passed embarrassment a couple hundred miles ago. That signpost up ahead? Utter ridiculousness.

Still, Trump hasn’t turned everyone off: Spokespeople for both Gov. Brian Sandoval and Rep. Joe Heck acknowledged Monday that both men would support the eventual Republican nominee, even if it was Trump, which proves for all time that loyalty is a morally neutral virtue.

And the media! They’re eating it up like free Krispy Kreme doughnuts in the newsroom! Political journalists are already crippled by their habit of covering political races the way theater critics write about Broadway. And their corporate owners are addicted to the sweet campaign cash that comes with politics at its most vile. (Les Moonves, the CEO of CBS, told investors at the Morgan Stanley Technology, Media &Telecom Conference on Monday that “it may not be good for America, but it’s damn good for CBS. The money is rolling in.” That’s an unfortunate moral yardstick, and I say that as a part-time employee of a CBS affiliate.)

Inevitably, the Friars of False Equivalence will read this and demand equal condemnation of the Democrats. But the same criticism simply cannot be leveled at Clinton and Vermont U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders. When they disagree, it’s over single-payer health care, free college tuition or the use of military force. There are no outrageous, screaming, insult-fests.

Oh, but the skeptics say, how can you be against the fighting. It’s good for your business! It gives you something to write about!

So would, say, a nice debate about ways to stay out of the next Middle East conflict, or the real barriers to getting every American access to health care. It’s sure not as compelling as a junior high school-caliber playground fight, but since we’re talking about the presidency here …

Steve Sebelius is a Review-Journal political columnist and co-host of the show “PoliticsNOW,” airing at 5:30 p.m. Sundays on 8NewsNow. Follow him on Twitter (@SteveSebelius) or reach him at 702-387-5276 or SSebelius@reviewjournal.com.