Neil Diamond, playing MGM Grand, a master of masculinity

Neil Diamond is not a man.

Neil Diamond is the man.

Chicks dig him like he was made of chocolate and yoga pants, while the fellas stand back in awe of what can only be described as a thunderbolt of masculinity, chest hair incarnate.

If you're a dude, you can learn a lot from the "Jewish Elvis."

With Diamond coming to town this weekend, let's review some tips on how to be a man taken from the legend himself.

KNOW HOW TO SWEET TALK

It is of crucial importance that when you speak to a lady, your words make such sweet, sweet love to her ear holes that they'll be ordering Chinese food and chain smoking Virginia Slims afterward.

Need some guidance?

Per usual, just follow Diamond's lead.

One way to win her affection: Name-drop some disease-carrying pests and cirrhosis-catalyzing backwoods hooch from a state where hand fishing is popular.

"You're so sweet / horseflies keep hangin' 'round your face / Kentucky moonshine / Could never take your place," Diamond purrs on, you guessed it, "You're so Sweet, Horseflies Keep Hangin' 'round Your Face."

Yes, that's an actual song.

But wait, don't horseflies prefer to spend their downtime buzzing around livestock turds?

Trick question!

Never second guess a man who is to seduction what vodka is to your ability to get up the nerve to talk to a woman.

NEVER MINCE YOUR WORDS

When Neil wants nooky , he doesn't tiptoe around his desires. Nay! He just goes for it like a famished sex panther imbedding his fangs into the hide of a delicious she-elk.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" Diamond asks on the song of the same name, before getting a little more insistent moments later.

"Come sleep with me," he implores, his words practically dry humping his would-be lover's leg.

This is how you do it.

Diamond has about as much use for subtlety as he does any item of clothing not encrusted with sequins.

And clearly, it works.

Diamond, 71, recently married a woman 30 years his junior.

Scoreboard:

Diamond: 1

You: 0

DON'T BE AFRAID TO CRY...TEARS OF RIUNITE

Real men use alcohol to irrigate the desert in their hearts left by no good women like a downpour of liquid happy flooding a dry river bed of sad.

Neil knows this all too well: "I'd have sworn that with time / Thoughts of you would leave my head / I was wrong, and I find / Just one thing makes me forget."

And that's "Red Red Wine."

Black Black Jagermeister will also help clear your memory of past flames - as well as where it is that you left your pants.

DON'T GET PORCUPINE PIE ON YOUR JEANS

What's porcupine pie?

No idea.

Is it really made of minced rodent bits?

Couldn't tell you.

Why would it be so bad to get some on your Levi's?

Don't know.

But if Neil says it's to be avoided, as he does on his early '70s chestnut "Porcupine Pie," well then, that's what you do.

But wait, there's more.

"It sounds a little strange / But you got to eat it with gloves / Or your hands will turn green," he further instructs on the tune.