Best ways to help people with cancer

For many people, it’s hard to know what to say or do when someone they love is ill. And for the patient, asking for help can be difficult.

Breast cancer survivor Danette Adams remembers a story her mother told years ago.

“My grandmother had been in a car accident and had to lie flat on her back for an extended period, and she looked at this cobweb on her ceiling for the entire time. It wasn’t until she was back on her feet that my mother realized that it had driven my grandmother crazy the whole time she laid there, but she had never said anything,” Adams said.

“Growing up, my mom would say, ‘What cobwebs can I help you with?’ That statement became very important during my recovery because I am not very good at asking for help.”

She recalls when a friend arrived home from the hospital after breast surgery, she asked Adams to put away her suitcase.

“Her husband had graciously unpacked it, but he just set it next to the dresser, and she had been looking at it and wishing it would walk itself into the closet because she couldn’t lift it herself,” Adams said. “Those little things we take for granted are the big things when one becomes unable to help herself.”

When you ask Adams what she found most helpful during her diagnosis and treatment during fall 2015, she laughs.

“That time is such a blur. Everyone was so amazing and I received so many things. I think the visits were the best,” she said. “To have someone show up to sit with me, do a load of laundry or take care of something that had been ‘bothering’ me because I couldn’t do it myself was huge!”

For fellow survivor Lee-Ann Burgess, there were many items she received that made a difference in her comfort and recovery.

“When I was initially diagnosed, I was the beneficiary of an extraordinary amount of kindness,” she said. “Some of the best gifts I received during that period included cards of encouragement, flowers and plants with personal notes, ‘Dr. Susan Love’s Breast Book,’ phone calls, texts, Facebook messages and a plastic accordion file to keep all of my medical reports in.”

When Burgess reached the chemotherapy stage of her treatment, she notes one of her favorite gifts was a personalized photo collage blanket she used in the chemo room. Some of the more unusual gifts she found helpful included gum or hard candy to help minimize the taste in her mouth when she was receiving the chemotherapy through her port.

Gift cards for iTunes, Netflix and Amazon helped with making playlists of inspirational songs or movies to watch during chemo treatments. Rides to and from chemo, or rides for her boys to get home from school, also were greatly appreciated.

Pajamas (that button up the front), scarves to cover the head or the chest, and big earrings also were welcomed because, as Burgess notes, “Turns out there a lot of blank space on your face when you don’t have eyelashes or eyebrows.” In addition, buying a wig or a gift certificate to a reputable wig shop also can be helpful as these can be quite expensive.

Adams concurred, noting that having friends schedule regular dinner deliveries after her surgery was amazing.

“My friend set up Meal Train (an online tool) and it was such a relief to not have to think about meal planning, shopping and preparing food for my family while I was not able,” Adams said. “The doorbell rang each night about 6 p.m. and a meal was delivered, usually in disposable pans, and we always used paper plates. There is something to be said about the invention of paper products.”

She also explained that a friend, Missy McNally, brought over a load of groceries she called “kid stuff” — frozen pizza, chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, pop tarts, peanut butter, bread — all things kids can fix themselves.

McNally, a cancer survivor herself, spoke about the blessings of restaurant gift cards.

“Send your husband to pick up dinner. With limited arm movement, no muscles to lift pans, cooking was a mess,” she said. “Stock your freezer with frozen stuff. Order out. Have your family help with meals.”

During the post-surgical stage, both Adams and Burgess emphasize the importance of having the use of a recliner.

“I highly recommend buying or borrowing a recliner for about four to six weeks post surgically,” says Burgess said. “You can even rent a medical lift chair if you are so inclined.”

Other welcomed items after surgery include thank-you cards and stamps, small cookies/crackers to keep nearby before pain medications are taken, dry shampoo, adult coloring books and pencils, nonslip socks and battery-powered toothbrushes to help with post-surgery limited arm motion.

And McNally recommends a pillbox because, “Your muscle strength is going to be nothing, so getting a pill bottle open by yourself is a feat. If nobody is around, you can still get to your meds. For a couple of weeks, there will be lots of medication to take and it will help keep that organized.”

Burgess says books of inspirational quotes also were comforting, as was the practicality of an extra-long cellphone cable. Something people might not think of is a long-handled wooden spoon.

According to Burgess, “That’s my favorite! You can use it at the hospital to push the buttons on the bed since you can’t reach them and you can also use it as a back scratcher. It was seriously the bomb!”