Pray these long shots don’t cross finish line

Lauryn Hill is set to hit town on Saturday. Hold your breath on that one, and you’re as good as dead.

After having blown off her previous Vegas gig at Prince’s 3121 club last fall, there’s no telling if the singer will come through this time around. As we ponder whether or not we’ll be graced by Hill’s presence this weekend at Red Rock Resort, let’s speculate on the odds of some other musical long shots:

The Spice Girls Come To Vegas

This is a bad rumor and a worse idea: “Waterworld: The Musical” would have a better chance of packing them in than these pop has-beens. Still, the gossip persists that the Spice Girls will reunite for a tour and a possible Vegas residency. Yikes. Those gigs would be as vacant as the Girls themselves. Ah well, with their three hits, at least the show would be over quick.

Odds of happening: 1,000 to 1.

Guns N’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” Finally Gets Released

China will actually be a democracy before this album ever sees the light of day. It has cost a reported $13 million to make so far, and has gone through more face-lifts than, well, Axl Rose himself, and with record sales being what they are these days, it will be nearly impossible for the disc to recoup its costs and avoid becoming the “Ishtar” of hard rock.

Odds of happening: 10,000 to 1.

A Country Music Star Actually Makes A Country Music Record

Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney have co-opted Jimmy Buffett’s Key West, pukka shell, barf-on-your-Hawaiian shirt hangover rock. Keith Urban is about as country as a $500 haircut. Gretchen Wilson sounds like she should be fronting Vixen. What ever happened to Nashville? Call that stuff whatever you want, just don’t call it country.

Odds of happening: 100,000 to 1.

Dave Navarro Keeps His Shirt On For At Least Two Consecutive Hours

What does this dude have against chest-covering fabrics? Yeah, the guy is in good shape — he oughta be, what else has he had to do for the past 10 years other than a couple of million sit-ups? Certainly not play on a half-decent record, which he hasn’t done since Clinton was in office. Have you heard the debut disc from Navarro’s latest band, The Panic Channel? No? Consider yourself lucky, his nipple rings have more personality.

Odds of happening: 1,000,000 to 1.

“American Idol” Results In At Least One Album That Doesn’t Sound Like a Bag of Kittens Getting Tossed Into A Wood Chipper

The only people who can really get excited about another album from an “American Idol” casualty are the nation’s landfill owners, who can rest easy at night knowing that they won’t be going out of business any time soon. Seriously, the cavalcade of crap that has come from this show has rendered it one giant backed-up toilet spilling its wares all over the charts. Kelly Clarkson? OK. Carrie Underwood? About as exciting as skim milk. Taylor Hicks? Thank god for mute buttons everywhere.

Odds of happening: (Just think of a really big number) to 1.

Jason Bracelin’s “Sounding Off” column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 383-0476 or e-mail him at jbracelin@ reviewjournal.com.

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