Some assembly required, some sanity lost

Hello! On behalf of our company, we'd like to thank you for ordering the futon/bunk bed. We know you will enjoy years of fun with this unique and stylish design ... and it starts while you're putting it together! Shall we begin?

Step One: Unpack all materials and check to see if the list of items corresponds with the items in the box. Ha ha ha! We're just kidding, there is no way that you have all the items you're supposed to have. That's just a little shipping-department humor! You'll have to go to a hardware store to get everything you need, because your grandchildren are coming in four days and there isn't a chance in hell that we'll be able to send you the stuff we left out in less than two weeks! Ha ha ha! (Ahem.)

Step Two: Line up all of the items the way they are shown in Diagram A. This won't help in any way, but it cracks us up to know you're trying to do it! OK, just kidding, keep your shirt on.

Step Three: Begin the assembly of the bed frame by attaching the two railings (1a) to the two bottom struts (2a) as shown in Diagram B, using the large screws (3) and washers (4). Except, you'll need four of those washers, and again, you only have three (teehee). ... No, that was not us laughing at you, we swear! Anyway, you'll need to check your toolbox for this washer, but you probably won't have one, because it's not your standard washer, so you might want to take a break and run to the hardware store; in fact, you should maybe start a tab while you're there.

Step Four: OK, we're back. Now that you've attached the two shorter struts to the railings, you'll need to attach the two larger struts (2b) to the other two railings (1b). (We notice that you bought several of those washers, just in case. A wise move, my friend, as you can plainly see.)

Step Five: Now, you're going to put both of the pieces together, as shown in Diagram C. What do you mean, they don't fit? Of course, they fit ... uh ... well, they would fit if you just loosen those screws a bit, so you've got a little give in there ... how's that? So what if it wiggles, it's for kids, isn't it? They love things that wiggle, trust us!

Step Six: We're now going to attach the ladder to the frame, as shown in Diagram C. Take the ladder and hold it against the frame with your right hand while you thread one of the six large screws (3a) into a washer (4a) and then insert it into the appropriate hole (7) with your left hand. With your other right hand, spin the nut onto the end of screw (3a) until it begins to tighten, and while still holding the ladder in place and the screw in place, use your fourth hand to screw the screw tighter with your new electric screwdriver, which you forgot to charge last night, so you'll have to put everything down and go plug it in, and then get your old regular screwdriver which you hurled into the woods yesterday.

Repeat Step Six eight times until the ladder is firmly attached to the frame (or until it, too, has been hurled into the woods) ... but, remember, this is really for the kids, not you. We know the box says "Supports up to 250 pounds," but you know Ernie up in accounting? Well, we wrote that part of the instructions one night right after Ernie's bachelor party, and to tell you the truth, we weren't all that ... uh ... precise about it, so get the hell off that ladder! (Sorry.) And, just between you and us, I wouldn't feed the kids too much if they're about to climb up there, either, but no big deal, there is an obesity crisis in this country, you know. Hey, don't shoot the messenger!

Step Seven: OK, we're almost there. Now, you'll need to attach the two hinged levers (5) to either side of the lower frame, and then we will attach the bottom platforms to those hinges, enabling the futon to glide easily from a sitting position out to a full-size bed. Using Diagram D below as a reference, place the first hinged lever against the railing. Holding it there with one hand, grab two of the largest screws (6AA), and their accompanying washers with your left hand, and with your other right hand ... oh, please, you know the rest.

Step Eight: Congratulations! What do you mean, it doesn't "glide easily"? Of course, it "glides easily"! Try it again! Huh. Well, obviously you did something wrong.

Vicki Wentz's column, which appears here on Sundays, is published in newspapers across the country. She is a high school teacher who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. Readers may contact her at vwentz@mindspring.com.