Sometimes, to cover our words, we ‘misspeak’

My dear friend and second son's namesake, Jeffery Kirkendall, is a retired therapist living in Paulden, Ariz. He and his wife, Carol, also a retired therapist, co-wrote the most important book on childhood sexual abuse I've ever read: "Without Consent: How to Overcome Childhood Sexual Abuse." In retirement, they both still work tirelessly against the evil of child abuse. It's fair to say they've given their lives to this one, mostly thankless ministry. The price has been high.

Jeffery is a writer, right now finishing up his latest novel. You can hang with him at writinginamerica.com. Of late on his website, he has invited readers to weigh in on the issue of abortion, specifically as it applies to women who conceive as a consequence of rape.

I should warn you, Jeffery puts it "right out there." It's one of the things I most admire about him. But it's not for the fainthearted.

Jeffery is the guy who alerted me to a television interview a few weeks ago, wherein Missouri senate candidate U.S. Rep. Todd Akin misspoke .

Interesting thing, misspeaking. Oh, it happens. I misspeak myself. Everybody does. Just this morning, I told my 10-year-old we were going to the chiropractor today after school. He said, "I hate the chiropractor." I said, "I think he's a nice guy." And my boy said, thoughtfully: "Let me rephrase. I hate going to the chiropractor because it means we get home later and there's less time to play."

Now, that's misspeaking. Not to mention it cracks me up to hear a 10-year-old saying, "Let me rephrase ... "

Akin said: "It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's (pregnancy) really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let's assume that maybe that didn't work or something. You know, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child."

The public backlash was vehement. Outraged. So Akin said he "misspoke"

"In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it's clear that I misspoke in this interview and it does not reflect the deep empathy I hold for the thousands of women who are raped and abused every year. ... I recognize that abortion, and particularly in the case of rape, is a very emotionally charged issue. But I believe deeply in the protection of all life, and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right course of action," Akin, who has a background in engineering and is a member of the House Science Committee, said in a statement.

So, did Akin misspeak? Or did he neglect to include sufficient empathy? Because I don't believe Akin misspoke, I think he said exactly what he meant and still means.

I don't begrudge Akin his moral stance on abortion. Indeed, I would give him high marks for consistency. If you believe deeply that all life is sacred, including unborn life, if you believe that unborn children are human beings possessing inherent rights, then it makes absolute sense that you would, at bare minimum, consider any and every abortion a moral tragedy, even if sometimes necessary. You might even fight to make abortion illegal. I suppose that you might even consider legal penalties for women who then sought and had abortions illegally.

For the record, I think that abortion is a serious moral issue. My "window" for what I consider morally justifiable abortion has grown significantly smaller as I have grown older. It is not as simple, in serious moral deliberation, as "my right my decision." And, please tell me it's a more serious discussion than, "It's just not a good time to have a baby right now."

What I begrudge is the idea of "legitimate rape." Legitimate rape? As opposed to, say, illegitimate rape? Akin didn't misspeak here. He revealed himself.

I think of Deuteronomy 22 in the Hebrew Bible. It says that if a man has sex with a woman "that is a virgin betrothed unto an husband ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife." But, "if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die. But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter. For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her."

Do you remember the classic question in Philosophy 101? If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Hmm it seems the ancients, too, were pondering legitimate and illegitimate rape. If a woman is raped in a field, and no one is there to hear her cry, does she make a sound? Deuteronomy gives the woman the benefit of the doubt and assumes she does.

I'm saying this streak of pre-emptive suspicion - and too often vilification - of women charging sex crimes has been with us a long, long, long time. Akin did not misspeak when he says, in effect, that if a woman conceives during sex, there's a good bet it wasn't rape. Akin does allow for rare occasions when this built-in, biological rape-o-meter "doesn't work or something." But still.

And when and how did "making a sound" become the measure of legitimate rape? Just asking.

Jeffery asked me what I thought, so here's what I think:

I would have nothing but admiration for a woman who had conceived in rape but, because of her passionate values, said to me: "I cannot punish this child for the father's sins. I will carry this child to term (and either raise it or offer for adoption)." I actually know one such woman. However, my admiration for her in no way means I would ever lift one finger of judgment to a rape victim who chose abortion. I would only grieve with her and for her and for the life inside her.

She would have only my empathy. And, just to be clear, a "legitimate" empathy.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.