Steven Kalas: Child should have been told in advance about marriage proposal

I have been divorced for three years, and I have one child from this marriage. My ex-husband has a girlfriend with three children. My child (10 years old) conveyed to me that today my ex-husband proposed (marriage) to his girlfriend. He did it at a public event and in front of (our) son, which made him very upset. He told me about everything on the phone a couple of hours later. He is very upset. He told me that he can't stand them kissing each other, as they were sitting at the restaurant and doing it in front of the child as well. The child is very sensitive and is hurt by all the actions. Was it appropriate to do the whole ceremony in from of the child? Do you believe that the father cares for the child and his feelings? - S.S., Las Vegas

There are parts of this story about which I'm utterly nonreactive. There are other parts of this story - as you told it - that make me wince, shake my head and wonder just how oblivious, insensitive and narcissistic divorced parents can be.

Or maybe that's redundant. Maybe the grip of narcissism is, by definition, oblivious and insensitive.

First things first: It's been three years since your divorce. Your son was then 7. That his father has moved on seems both normal and predictable. He has found a new love. That he kisses his girlfriend, shamelessly, in public or in private also seems normal and predictable. It would seem absurd to me that a divorced parent would say to a new mate, "We're not allowed to kiss in front of my child because he is uncomfortable with it." If I was the new mate, I would not long tolerate that position.

Talk to the child? Yes! Do my best to help the child cope with his parents' divorce and new lives with new people? Absolutely. But allow a child to decide whether his divorced parent dates, or whom he dates, or to establish the rules for new romances? Never! It's not good for children to have this kind of power. Even when they are begging for that power. Even when the anxiety/guilt of divorced parents so sorely tempts them to give the child that power.

But regarding the rest of your story, here's my hard-line manifesto for divorced parents regarding dating and remarriage:

1. When you make a baby with someone, you are related to that someone for the rest of your life. You can divorce your child's mother/father, but you cannot divorce yourself from the duty to co-parent. It is in your child's best interest to faithfully co-parent.

2. Minor children of divorce should not be introduced to a dating partner (let alone be included in family functions) until you and the new partner have forged a radical commitment and intention to permanence. It is just awful for children to meet a "revolving door" of dates included in dinners, vacations, birthdays and sitting around Christmas trees.

3. Children of divorce, as early as age 4 or 5, have a right to know your intention for a new marriage. That they should learn of your intention while standing at a social gathering being "surprised" by your public proposal is ... well ... an egregious disregard of a fiduciary relationship. A real slap in the face.

4. Prior to introducing a new partner to a child or proposing marriage, divorced parents have an obligation to call the former spouse and alert him/her. Failing to do this makes the child responsible to pass this message to the other parent. This is, at best, an anxious burden for a child. It is patently unfair.

5. When you tell your child of your intention to marry, you say, explicitly: "Now, I've already talked to your mom/dad about this. Anytime you have questions or need to talk, we're both here for you." Was it appropriate to do the whole ceremony in front of the child? Well, if the above rules had been followed, I'd have no argument. No argument, that is, except one regarding decorum. I confess a personal prejudice about public marriage proposals. I have about as much interest in watching some guy propose on the Jumbotron at a basketball game as I have in following someone into a restroom. A proposal of marriage is a holy moment and thus should be shrouded in holy privacy. But that's just me.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.