To paraphrase Forrest Gump, life is like being punished by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. You never know what you’re gonna get.
Shortly after Goodell upheld Tom Brady’s four-game suspension Tuesday for his alleged role in deflating footballs — the same suspension Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy received for assaulting his ex-girlfriend — SI.com posted a Roger Goodell Random Punishment Generator.
To find out how Goodell will punish you for breaking the rules, simply click on the “Hand Down Judgement” button and enter a “crime,” and scroll down to discover your fate.
Here are a few responses we received: “Dear rule-breaker, For siding with Tom Brady and the Patriots, you must get my face carved into your hair (and keep it there for 90 days). The NFLPA should have a field day with this one. Sincerely, The Commish.”
“Dear rule-breaker, For wearing a Bill Belichick hoodie, you must do 1,000 hours of community service. There is no particular reason why I chose this, I just got a kick out of it. Sincerely, The Commish.”
“Dear rule-breaker, For eating too many hot dogs at a game, J.J. Watt is allowed to tackle you at full speed while you are defenseless and without pads. That’s what the little Paul Tagliabue on my shoulder told me to do. Sincerely, The Commish.”
“Dear rule-breaker, For making fun of the commish, you have to eat a Carolina Reaper pepper whole. FYI, if you appeal it will probably be reduced by at least half. Sincerely, The Commish.”
We’ll take that under advisement.