However desperate and depressing Hollywood couples can seem -- we're looking at you Spencer and Heidi -- it's even worse than that.
Quite a lot of celebrity marriages are fake, say "Millionaire Matchmaker's" Destin Pfaff and Rachel Federoff, whose clients include "high-end A-listers."
"And Rachel and I know celebrities that have gotten divorced specifically to generate news, and then get back together again," Pfaff says.
They won't spill details about their own famous customers.
But Federoff says some of your favorite stars haven't been publicly caught cheating only because "they're damn good at it."
"Women cheat more often than men," Pfaff claims. "It just seems like men cheat more, because we suck at it."
These two Bravo stars are themselves married, and headlining at Lavo on Sunday for Valentine's Day weekend.
They say marital bliss is so elusive for stars, they can barely come up with the names of the five healthiest relationships in Hollywood.
"Oh," she says. "That's a hard question."
They both agree Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are "phenomenal," but everyone in Hollywood says that.
Federoff also believes in Matthew Broderick with Sarah Jessica Parker; Ellen DeGeneres with Portia de Rossi; and Heidi Klum with Seal.
Pfaff hilariously asserts Ashton Kutcher with Demi Moore enjoy "a bizarre healthiness," in a relationship that's been speculated to be elastic, or something.
"They service a very specific need for each other that transcends love," he says.
"Ew," his wife reflexes. "I totally disagree. Ugh. Vomit. That's awful."
Pfaff also picks Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner to last.
"Really?" his wife questions him.
"I hate to say this, but Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon" are a good couple, she says.
"No!" Federoff's husband bellows.
Politically, they see the Reagans and the Obamas as ideal, loving role models.
On the Vegas front, they say they understand why Planet Hollywood headliner Holly Madison fell for Hugh Hefner, who at 84 is now engaged to 24-year-old Playmate Crystal Harris.
"There's something creepily endearing about Hugh Hefner," he says.
"There's a certain amount of power and swagger these guys have that magically and genuinely make a woman fall in love with them," Pfaff says.
"It's that charisma, that charm, that power-sexy. I wouldn't necessarily call it love, but it's definitely hard-core infatuation."
Rich guys often return to a specific type, they say.
"They like to order people" the way the rest of us order pizza, Pfaff says. "They have the same people every time. They order it."
But it's famous femmes and powerhouse businesswomen who more often ruin relationships, they say.
Millionaire women rarely listen to others, demand to do things on their own terms, and when scorned, they "run to the top of a mountain and shout how pissed off they are," Pfaff says.
Federoff sticks up for millionaire women:
"Women with money tend to have a little more masculine energy, and they're dealing in a masculine world," she says. "It's hard to be at the top of the food chain with top-of-the-food-chain men."
That makes rich women "bitter" and "harder." Just look at Madonna.
"She is one of the most savviest businesswomen around. It makes her have a lot of masculine energy," Federoff says. "It's not just because she looks like Lou Ferrigno sometimes with how her body is. She's so 'Errr.'
"She'd be very hard to fix up."
The matchmakers would love to set up Eva Longoria. They'd only charge her between $75,000 and $150,000 to find a mate.
They grant that it's legitimately hard for stars to weed through all the psychos who don't really love them for any reason than fame.
"You don't want to get anyone who is a fame whore or crazypants," she says.
The matchmakers claim they're often the only people telling stars the truth about themselves.
"We tell them straight-up: Hey, don't be a bitch or you're gonna be alone for the rest of your life," Pfaff says.
"The biggest problems celebrities tend to have are themselves," he says. "They've got ego issues. They're usually workaholics. Sometimes, there are dependency issues. Sometimes, there are diva issues."
Their advice to every single person, famous or not, is to blame themselves, then improve.
"It doesn't matter who you are, if you can't fix yourself and love yourself, you can't love somebody else," Federoff says.
"Look in the mirror and see what's looking back at you? That's why you're single," Pfaff says. "But if you don't stop looking in the mirror long enough, you'll never meet anybody."
"Vanity kills," Federoff says.
Doug Elfman's column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 383-0391 or e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.