Swear it -- c'mon, swear it.
Swear, KVVU-TV, Channel 5 -- even a pinky swear -- that any newscast is, per your promo: "Local. Las Vegas."
You swear? Sweet. And because a pinky swear is a sacred trust, let's confirm by reviewing a random sample, random day, random time, say ... "Fox-5 News at 5."
And ... GO!
Lead story is ... Wall Street's closing bell and congressional bailout bargaining.
More D.C. than LV, but economic agida, home-sale heartburn and a market in mid-meltdown is consuming all America, Nevada included.
Not local, but not not-local, either. Moving on ...
Coverage turning toward ramifications right here, yes? ... No. Instead: Obama and McCain trying to out-preach each other about our financial free fall. But that dovetails into the dire fallout from the Wall Street washout, so perhaps it justifies junking the Las Vegas pledge so far. Now, can we get a little local love? ...
Nope. Next: The Clinton Global Initiative, featuring an encore of John McCain jibber-jabber. (The ex-prez invited both prez-hopefuls to his nonpartisan party.) Been there, heard that. Surely we're ready to segue to Sin City, so here come stories on ... Veep candidates vying for votes nowhere near Nevada. Nerve-racking national home-sale stats. Slippage in the silver market.
Where's the local focal point, Fox-5? You know: Stories emanating from this area code. Any hint of hometown headlines ahead? ...
O.J.! OK! Keep it very Vegas now. Give us the local lowdown on ... Tensions in Pakistan?
No tensions in Vegas? Summerlin? Green Valley? Or even mild friction in Primm?
The broadcast's first half is a local-news loser. But surely the second half promises a variety pack of Vegas stories such as ...
Woman tossed from a car onto a highway in Texas. Gasoline giveaway in Florida. House explosion in New Jersey. Fire in Texas. Boy banned from school in Ohio. Storm in North Carolina. Squirrels rescued in Texas. (What's up with Texas, Fox-5? You own a timeshare there?) Local weather. ... Whoa, local! At least that might revive the Vegas vibe, so let's pay attention to ...
A New Yorker caught sneaking into an HOV lane with a life-size Plexiglas passenger. Dog poop DNA-tested in Tel Aviv (yeech) to identify negligent Israeli pooper-scoopers. The prison-chic "Hotel Alcatraz" in Germany.
OH, C'MON, WILL YA!
Donny and Marie apple pie-ing all over the Flamingo Las Vegas? Carey Hart book-signing at Borders? Vegas non-news, but now we'll settle for anything inside the city limits ... Ricky Gervais might host the Oscars. Johnny Depp re-signs as Capt. Jack Sparrow. Teasers to Spike Lee's flick and Jessica Simpson's ... hair? (Did she at least shampoo it here once?)
Tote board: Twenty-two beyond-Vegas stories, three within-Vegas stories, minus two cotton-candy features leaves ... O.J.
One legit news story.
But it's "Local Las Vegas."
Contact reporter Steve Bornfeld at firstname.lastname@example.org or 702-383-0256.