Since Kathy Griffin tells the dirt on celebrities, every time I interview her, I ask her to name the worst celebrity alive. Five years ago, she answered without a pause, "Oprah."
"Why Oprah?" I said.
"Have you seen her show?" she said incredulously, then launched into a bit about what a megalomaniac Oprah is.
Today, Griffin has a different answer.
"I'm having a lot of fun with Charlie Sheen. He's our new Lindsay" Lohan, she says.
"While Lindsay is keeping a low profile, Charlie Sheen is more than making up for all the Lohans put together.
"He's the gift that keeps on giving."
She has Sheen jokes to share Saturday at Caesars. But she wants fans to know this Vegas show will not have the same jokes as her stand-up TV special, "Whores on Crutches."
"It will be completely different from that," she says. "If you saw the special, this will be all new."
She's been seriously contemplating this post-Thanksgiving Vegas show.
"I'm expecting to see a lot of shellshocked people, because -- I don't know if your Thanksgiving is like mine -- but there's a lot of booze and fighting.
"I think a lot of people will be sick of their families by Saturday night -- or desperate to take their relatives to a comedic show."
LOOKING BETTER NAKED
By the way, dear Review-Journal reader, I'm not the lascivious one in this interview. It was Griffin, not me, who brought up the fact that she looks better naked lately.
"It's a bangin' bikini bod," she says.
"I'm thinking after my set, I could just go be a showgirl. I could run across the street and be one of those topless girls in 'Jubilee.' I mean, that's how hot my body is," she brags.
And now that she looks better in her celebrity skin, she gets invited to even more events.
Paris Hilton guested on "My Life on the D List" and made Griffin try on a bikini -- and as a result of seeing her naked, Paris invited Griffin to her Halloween party.
That meant Griffin had to show up underdressed.
"If you go to a Paris Hilton Halloween party, everybody is a 'naughty something,' " Griffin says.
"Her sister Nicky wasn't just Minnie Mouse. She was a sexy, naughty Minnie Mouse."
Griffin dressed as a naughty sailor, even though her outfit didn't make sense.
"It was stripper shoes, fishnets and a sailor minidress," she says. "You've gotta bring the heat when you're going to a Paris Hilton party."
Next on Griffin's list of outfits, perhaps: The butt-baring string bikini device that Cher wore on the deck of the USS Missouri in her video for "If I Could Turn Back Time."
Why is Griffin interested in Cher's clothes suddenly?
"I'm actually hosting 'Divas Live' this year on VH1," she says.
"And we're gonna stage it on Miramar Air Base. It's gonna be for the troops -- not unlike my pal Cher."
"VH1 Divas Salute the Troops," with Katy Perry and Sugarland, airs Dec. 5. You can keep up with Griffin's hosting plans at twitter.com/kathygriffin.
Here's the section of the interview that you might want to bail out of, if you don't want to read about Kathy Griffin's intimate body jewelry.
Griffin recently had a public pap smear for a minicampaign called "Tell Cancer To Suck It!" She wore a bikini and showed off a bedazzled lower-body area.
"Now that I've been vajazzled, my vagina is more famous than I am," Griffin says.
She tells me how this went down. Let me relay this to you as delicately as possible:
"You have to get waxed first. ... They do use (an adhesive) like clear eyelash glue. It stays on during 'the action,' unless you pull it off.
"I actually showered around it. They said if you don't scrub it off, you can keep it up to two weeks.
"They come off when they want to come off. So I had something like a row of stars. And by the end of the first week, I just had this random array of sequins.
"When people think of me, they should think of vajazzling."
Doug Elfman's column appears Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.