Your time is up. The Grim Reaper has come. You consider the choices you made while noting the Grim Reaper's resemblance to Gov. Jim Gibbons. Exactly what would you regret not ever doing in the city you called home?
Here are some R-J staff suggestions for everyone's Las Vegas bucket list.
1. Jump off the Stratosphere
No longer does this thrill ride result in death and an R-J headline. SkyJump Las Vegas' 855-foot controlled plummet delivers you to the ground at 40 mph. (This is slower than your projectile vomit, which is good because it won't land on your head.)
If you don't have the guts, or the $114.99, any of the wimpier rides up there will do. Or just admire the breathtaking view from 109 stories up. (Chicken.)
2. Ride in a Venetian gondola
Yes, it's cheesy and embarrassing. But where else can you ride a fake river through a fake Venice as a fake opera singer serenades you? Just take someone you are not ashamed to be romantically linked with. And wear dark sunglasses, in case the crowd gawking at you includes one of your co-workers.
3. Eat a Golden Gate shrimp cocktail
Chilled crustaceans in spicy sauce are the longest-running show in Las Vegas history. They opened in 1959 and continue to dazzle audiences in their sundae glasses. The Golden Gate, Las Vegas' oldest casino at 104 years, claims to have sold more than 30 million. It jacked the price from 99 cents to $1.99 in 2008, after an initial jack from 50 cents in 1991. But what other show is still so cheap (and tasty)?
4. Enter a World Series of Poker satellite game at the Rio
The bragging rights alone are worth the entry fee. Your neighbors won't realize that any doofus with $175 cash can enter -- and there's no need to mention the "satellite" part.
Better still, you may stand an actual chance at the satellite prize (a $1,500 main-event seat) even if you've never played poker. (How can your nine opponents read what you have on your face when you don't even know?)
5. Spend New Year's Eve on Fremont Street
It's our version of Times Square. Both are institutions. They're also both overcrowded with obnoxious drunks yelling obscenities, blowing into noisemakers and then throwing up on your good shoes. The problem is, until we do it, most of us feel that we're missing out on something. That's why it's good to do this once and move on.
6. Get married, or vows renewed, by an Elvis impersonator
Do you promise to love each other tender? Good. Place the ring around his neck. You may now kiss your cousin.
7. See 'Jubilee!'
Our city's official ambassadors -- at least judging by how often Mayor Oscar Goodman uses them as 90-pound cufflinks -- have played a major role in Las Vegas entertainment since the Copa Girls opened at the Sands in 1952. Showgirls are on the endangered list, however, presented only by Bally's in their native habitat. See them fast before another Cirque show takes over. Maybe even take a backstage tour beforehand. (But please don't feed them. Those costumes are a tight fit.)
8. Perform a 'Crazy Girls' statue butt rub
Good luck probably won't result. But can you really know for sure? The only demonstrable result in the 13 years since this 14-cheeked statue was unveiled is a mirrorlike shine on only one body part. And it's not just thousands of tourists who possess a photo of themselves performing sexual harassment on a bronze statue; residents relocating from the valley have been reported to visit for a goodbye rub.
9. Have your photo taken at Binion's million dollar display
The closest you can get to a million dollars in this economy is this display at Binion's, some version of which has existed since 1954 (with breaks from 1959-1964 and 1999-2008). How Binion's can have this kind of scratch when it had to close its hotel rooms last year is not clear. (It charges no money to take your photo, with its own camera, and then print out a 6-by-8-inch glossy.) The cash is viewable from 10 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. every day, after which it's locked up. Oh, and don't ask your attendant to open the case so you can count the money to be sure. If they had a nickel every time they heard that, they'd have their own displays.
10. Try Ass Juice at the Double Down Saloon
This must go last on your Vegas bucket list, because you might not survive to accomplish any other items. Ass Juice is a $4 concoction that begins with grain alcohol. "Then you put a bunch of other stuff in, so the girls will drink it," says bartender Ian Roach. This includes fruit juice and, according to Roach, "whatever liquor is around." (Batches are pre-mixed in large containers daily.) From Thanksgiving to Christmas, Ass Juice comes with a festive floating dose of creamed corn. "You shake the bottle and the corn comes down like a snow globe," Roach says.
Contact reporter Corey Levitan at clevitan@review journal.com or 702-383-0456.