Sunday, March 21, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal

YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS ... Reading Between the Lines

Reporter lets screenwriters do his talking to win the hearts of women

Photo Illustration by Anton. Photo Illustration by Anton. Greta Garbo and John Gilbert engage in a passionate embrace in a scene from the 1926 movie "Flesh and the Devil." The movie is included in Turner Classic Movies' "Famous Pick-Up Lines," a set of flashcards featuring classic come-ons from classic films.

The three women sit in a corner booth having dinner and a few drinks, talking, enjoying their night out.

Then I arrive.

I see the women, take a deep breath, and walk that long green mile to their table. I say hello to the blonde on the left.

"We're going to know each other eventually," I say, as suavely and as rakishly as I can. "Why not now?"

I feel no hand slapping my cheek, no drink dripping off of my face, no manager twisting my arm behind my back and shoving me out.

Instead, I hear the blonde ... laugh.

Not a big laugh. More of a monosyllabic chuckle. Still, I offer up silent thanks to the unknown Hollywood screenwriter who crafted my pickup line, which was first delivered -- much more effectively, I'm sure -- by Humphrey Bogart to Mary Astor in 1942's "Across the Pacific."

The line comes from Turner Classic Movies' "Famous Pick-Up Lines" ($12.95, Chronicle Books), a set of flashcards featuring classic come-ons from classic films.

During a recent Friday evening at Fado, the cozy Irish pub at Green Valley Ranch -- and in honor of spring's arrival, what with sap rising and all that -- I gave Bogey's line and a few others from the collection a tryout on real women.

Long story short: While not all of the cinematic pickup lines -- uttered in movies of the '20s through the '50s -- passed modern-day muster, at least none of them resulted in any emotional ugliness, physical pain or pesky restraining orders.

Embarrassment? Oh yeah. Definitely embarrassment. And now that it's all over, I have greater appreciation than ever for Bogey, Jimmy Cagney and those behind-the-scenes scriptwriters who make it all look so easy.

"It's midnight. Look at the clock, one hand has met the other hand, they kiss. Isn't that wonderful?"

-- Melvyn Douglas to Greta Garbo in "Ninotchka" (1939)

But first, seeking a bit of guidance, I call Katherine Evans and Carrie Beers of Turner Classic Movies, who studied a slew of on-screen Lotharios and Lotharesses in compiling the collection.

What makes a good pickup line?

"I think ultimately it comes down to the actor's delivery of the line," says Evans, TCM's senior vice president of marketing.

"I think we felt that the visual was a big part of it. You see that twinkle in the eye or the little smirk or see, in an embrace, if they look at each other."

I ask Evans and Beers to recommend a few lines I might use.

"Here's a good one," Evans says: " `Mind if I get drunk with you?' "

"If," she quickly adds, "you really, really want to put yourself out there."

Not particularly. I don't have much of an ego -- old football injury -- but I'm no fan of unnecessary pain, either.

Or, Evans says, how about "one of my favorite quotes from the deck: `We're going to know each other eventually. Why not now?' That's Bogart. He was so macho and had this sort of smoldering mystique about him."

Yeah. Macho. Smoldering mystique. Definitely me.

On the other hand, Beers says, surely joking, "if you want to put yourself out there, there's `The Postman Always Rings Twice' (1946): `Give me a kiss or I'll sock you.' "

If I used that one, I'd slap me.

"Let's go somewhere where we can be alone. Ah, there doesn't seem to be anyone on this couch."

-- Groucho Marx to June MacCloy in "Go West" (1940)

Before heading to the pub, I review my cheat sheets -- er, the flashcards -- one last time and discard a few that certainly wouldn't work.

"You're a swell dish. I think I'm gonna go for you." -- "The Public Enemy" (1931)

Does anybody even know what a "dish" is anymore?

"When you get your fill of marriage, I'll be waiting for you" -- "Illicit" (1931)

Too predatory.

"Here's looking at you, kid." -- "Casablanca" (1942)

A classic, but overdone.

"Let's go in my room and talk the situation over."

"What situation?"

"Well ... uh ... what situations have you got?"

-- "A Night at the Opera" (1935)

Don't think that whole call-and-response thing is going to work here.

"What's the matter with me? I'm gay, I'm lovable, and I've got good teeth." -- "June Bride" (1948)

Maybe in another bar, in another context, and certainly with another reporter.

Finally, I select my icebreaker and, armed with a stack of cards, embark on my night o' painful rejection.

"You know, when you blow out the match, it's an invitation to kiss you."

-- John Gilbert to Greta Garbo in "Flesh and the Devil" (1926)

Fado is already busy at 6:30 p.m., but there's a noticeable scarcity of unaccompanied women around. Worse, guys who've already arrived are hitting on single women who do happen by faster than flies zeroing in on day-old Valentine's Day candy.

But -- aha! -- there's the celebratory trio.

I silently rehearse my line -- nothing's more pathetic than a muffed pickup line -- amble on over and give the blonde to the left my best Bogart.

That's when I hear the chuckle and learn that Karen is a really nice woman.

It turns out that Karen (who, like her friends, asked that her last name not be used in this story) and her friend, Julia, are celebrating the birthday of mutual friend, Chere, 47.

What did Karen think of Bogey's line?

"I thought that it was cute," she says.

"Just a little presumptuous. But we laughed."

The women offer to critique a few of the other lines. The consensus winner is from 1933's "42nd Street": "What do you advise for a man who is both hungry and lonesome -- and who simply hates to eat alone?"

"It shows vulnerability and it's not too forward," Karen explains.

I ask the women if they can think of any favorite pickup lines from movies of more recent vintage.

"That famous one from `Jerry Maguire': `You had me at hello,' " Karen says.

I cynically suggest that it probably doesn't hurt that Tom Cruise delivers the line.

Karen thinks it over for a second.

"I think you're right," she says.

"Everything wrong with you, I like."

-- Van Johnson to Irene Dunne in "A Guy Named Joe" (1944)

For Round 2, I take a seat outside the pub's entrance, hoping to spot unattached women before they become lost in the crowd.

I watch two women walk in and take seats. Then -- lucky day! -- one leaves.

I sidle on over, lean in and deliver my line. The woman seems both surprised and uncomfortable.

"Well ..." she begins in that "It's not you, it's me" tone detested by unmarrieds everywhere.

I interrupt her and fess up. The now-relieved woman explains that she's married.

Doh!

OK, if she wasn't married, what would she have thought of the line?

"It's OK," she says. "It's an opener. Yeah."

The woman, Julie Kraintz, postulates that a good pickup line is all about "presentation. It's not so much what you say. But a person couldn't say something really obnoxious."

As Kraintz checks out a few of the other lines in the collection, her husband, Rick, arrives. He takes well the news that I'd just hit on his wife.

Rick reads a few of the lines Julie likes. "I didn't know you went for such corny lines," he tells her.

I ask Rick to try out a line or two himself. He gives Julie his reading of the so-far consensus favorite: "What do you advise for a man who is both hungry and lonesome -- and who simply hates to eat alone?"

By now, their friend, Eloise Cotton, has arrived. Hearing Rick's rhetorical come-on, Eloise offers a reply of her own.

"Get a dog," she says.

Ouch.

"I'm not accustomed to riding with strangers."

"We're not gonna be strangers."

-- Jean Harlow and James Cagney in "The Public Enemy" (1931).

For Round 3, I approach two women -- co-workers, I guess -- sitting at the bar and deliver my line to the younger-looking of the two.

She responds with stunned, uneasy, deer-in-the-headlights silence. I introduce myself, explain what's going on and ask what she thought of the line.

"That's almost like a scary thing," she answers. "It's like stalking."

But, she adds, "if you said it to my mother, maybe it'd be different."

Her mother? That, Alexandra Goot explains, would be the woman sitting next to her.

Doh, doh!

Actually, Debbie Barbaroussis-Goot didn't care for the line, either. What was she thinking as she watched 23-year-old Alexandra subjected to it?

"I thought, `Oh my god. She's not really going to go for this,' " Debbie answers.

On the other hand, Debbie does agree that the now slam-dunk-favorite from "42nd Street" would have been "more charming."

"You're beautiful when you're angry."

-- Clark Gable to Lana Turner in "Betrayed" (1954)

So, class, what can we conclude from our little exercise?

One: I'm really, really, really bad at picking up women.

Two: Picking up women is easier when clever screenwriters write your pickup line and the script says the woman is going to fall for it.

And, three: I'm going to study a DVD of "42nd Street" this weekend with the intensity of a Talmudic scholar.

Apparently, a classic pickup line never grows old.