Did hair in a can teach us nothing?
Have we already forgotten the painful lessons of the Shake Weight, Pet Rocks, Smell-O-Vision and the Shoe Umbrella?
Those products underscore a simple but undeniable truth: Just because something can be invented, doesn’t mean that it should be invented.
For all of the amazing, life-changing, year 2033 kind of new technology at CES, some inventions are sadly destined to join the Wacky WallWalker and New Coke in the dustbin of history.
A few candidates:
Dr. Fuji Cyber Body Slimmers
When you want to lose weight and a little dignity at once — though only the latter is guaranteed — Dr. Fuji Cyber Body Slimmers have got you covered.
How it “works”: You grab the handles, step atop a vibrating platform and … that’s it!
“You just stand,” explained Dr. Fuji, definitely the coolest 85-year-old in the house Thursday, busting moves in a gold ballcap upon one of his creations. “Let the machine do the work. Muscle build.”
In the meantime, you’ll be quite the sight, jiggling like a frightened glob of Jell-O to the amusement of anyone within eyeshot.
Does sheer embarrassment burn calories?
You’d better hope so.
Natural Light beer can Bluetooth speaker
Because sometimes you want to simultaneously share some tunes and your taste in really bad beer, right?
Here’s how the conversation should go if anyone ever asks if you partake in Natural Light:
“Did you drink some Natty Light last night?”
“Why are there crumpled-up Natural Light cans in the trash can?”
And there you have it.
Unless your taste buds have filed for divorce, there’s no need to drink this stuff or buy this thing from Gabba Goods.
Rover Speed smart luggage
“I’m just trying not to get run over by a suitcase.”
Famous last words, uttered in this instance by CES attendee Steve Lemke, a California native who works in the consumer electronics industry, as he attempted to dodge some laser-guided robo luggage chasing around the dude demonstrating the technology.
Granted, we all know how onerous gripping a suitcase handle can be, but it’s also a good way to, you know, keep possession of the thing.
We get it, there’s this sudden urge to automate all things — and CES is ground zero for as much.
But we’re not so sure we need a “smart” everything.
Seriously, our suitcase barely graduated junior high.
And we’re fine with that.
Luka Reading Robot
Look, we totally get where you’re coming from here: You want to stimulate your child’s mind, but is it too much to ask to work a little faux flatulence in with all the book learnin’?
At long last, the passing of gas and the passing of knowledge have come together via Ling Technology’s Luka Reading Robot.
The saucer-eyed gizmo can read books to your little ones and simulate the floating of air biscuits at the same time.
OK, that’s a wrap, CES. Hit the lights, pack up the booths. Peak innovation has been achieved.