Celebrity Clash

Back when "Stuttering" John Melendez was on Howard Stern's radio show, his job was to stand on red carpets and ask celebrities excellently awkward questions.

Then as announcer on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show," he has run into those same people. Some remember him. Some don't. Either way, he's on edge.

"When the guests come on the 'Tonight Show,' it's like, 'Uh-oh, that's right, I think I pissed this one off,' " Melendez tells me.

His most classic clash was asking Billy Crystal how many years he was married before he cheated on his wife. Crystal's angry response to Melendez's questions -- "It's not funny, it's not fun" -- has been used as a sound drop on Stern's show for years.

Melendez inevitably ran into Crystal at "The Tonight Show." Their chat went:

Melendez: "Hey man, I want to apologize for asking those questions at your movie premiere."

Crystal: "Yeah, you know, John, it was at my movie premiere!"

Melendez: "I'm sorry. If it's any consolation, I loved your movie, '51.' "

Crystal: "John -- it was '61.' "

Melendez laughs.

"I'm trying to be a nice guy, and I still put my foot in my mouth," he says.

You can't blame celebs for responding in an ill manner, he says.

"When Raquel Welch punched me in the nose for asking, 'Are they drooping yet?,' that was over the top. I went to the hospital because she nailed me. She must know karate."

Melendez wondered if he should sue her. Andrew Dice Clay scoffed at that idea.

"John, what are ya gonna do?" Clay said. "Tell the whole world you got your ass kicked by a chick?"

The question that drove every star crazy was, "Why are you famous?"

He asked Jewel if she ate whale blubber since she was from Alaska, then asked her about her janky teeth. She was incensed. Melendez ran into her later and reminded her he was the guy who asked those questions. She berated him, "What the hell's wrong with you?"

But then, years later, Jewel forgot about the whole thing. She went on "The Tonight Show" and Melendez interviewed her for a concert series.

"She was so nice. She couldn't have been any nicer. So it just goes to show you if you get them on a bad day and ask them about whale blubber, they can get a little angry," he says. But stars also forget.

Meanwhile, his oldest daughter is a tweenager -- "She's gone from daddy's little girl to 'I can't stand you' in like one year" -- and she's started learning online about his Howard Stern roles.

Melendez jokes it may have been good for his parenting to have left the Stern show.

"I got out just in time, because it was gonna be pretty hard to explain to my daughter. She was getting to the age where I couldn't tell her about 'anal ring toss.' "

His increased presence on "The Tonight Show" has led to his being included in the National Enquirer.

"I'm in there for the worst celebrity beach bods of 2008," he says. "And this is how pathetic I am. I look at the picture, and I'm on the same page with Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman -- my two idols -- so I'm like, 'Crap, I'm having this thing framed.' And I did."

On Leno's show, he never hangs with beautiful actresses. That's a big contrast to his Stern days.

"It was probably more tempting when I was on the Stern show, because we'd be in the studio with naked women almost every day.

"But, dude, I'm 43, married with three kids. My libido is gone, are you kidding me?"

Melendez has been posting elaborate music videos on JohnMelendez.tv. He wrote and acted in a menage a trios comedy, "One, Two, Many," distributed by National Lampoon.

But he doesn't keep up with the Stern crew.

"I don't listen," Melendez says. "I don't really talk to those guys that often. Artie and I have talked once or twice a year, and Gary ('Baba Booey' Dell'Abate) the same."

He didn't even have Stern's current phone number to call him back after the King of All Media left him a message.

The message was about how the New York Post screwed up a story about something Stern said of Melendez, who wasn't fazed by the Post.

"Anything can be taken out of context with newspapers," Melendez says. "God knows, it's happened to me. I'm sure it'll happen with this interview!"

E-mail me at delfman@reviewjournal.com or blog post at reviewjournal.com/elfman.