Rihanna, playing Mandalay Bay, keeping up with rock’s bad boys

Professional heels aren’t confined to pro wrasslin’.

No, there’s another occupation especially suited for them: rock star.

Is there another line of work where acting like a cross between a rogue testicle and Frank the Tank from “Old School” is actually seen as a somewhat admirable quality?

But here’s an even bigger question: Why is this behavior largely confined to men?

Why can’t chicks seem to get in on the game?

How come it’s never Katy Perry dropping double deckers in hotel bathrooms (Google it) or Lady Gaga snorting up lines of fire ants?

Seriously, when was the last time Cyndi Lauper relieved herself on the Alamo?

Well, never fear, because Rihanna is here to wrong all these rights.

Granted, she may be a pop star, but she gives any rock star a run for his not-so-hard-earned money, bed-hopping with bad boys, partying so hard she ends up hospitalized and radiating diffidence the way roadkill does horseflies.

“I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it,” she announces on her sadomasochistic smash “S&M” and seemingly spends most of her time attempting to live up to those words.

With Rihanna hitting town today in support of her aptly titled latest record, “Unapologetic,” let’s see how she measures up to some of the most notoriously debauched rock stars ever in terms of awesomely crude behavior:

Vince Neil

The average bra manufacturer owes less to boobies than Vince Neil.

How much does the Motley Crue frontman dig knockers?

Not only did his band pen perhaps the all-time greatest strip club anthem, “Girls, Girls, Girls,” a song that will live in perpetuity in dimly lit palaces of failed fatherhood, but he even went out and bought his own skin joint here in Vegas.

If kazonga boosterism was an Olympic sport — and isn’t it about time it was? — Neil would certainly be doing America proud atop the winner’s podium, clutching that gold medal in one hand, a tequila shooter in the other, looking down mockingly at Ukraine’s sorry ass.

As for Rihanna, she has a pair of angel cakes of her own, but that doesn’t stop her from admiring those of others.

She has an ode to making it rain in gentlemen’s clubs, “Pour It Up,” and is fond of tweeting out photos of herself with various exotic dancers between her legs.

She has even taken to the pole herself, during a performance of “S&M,” which opened the 2011 Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand.

Can you see Neil doing that? And if you could, would you ever want to see again?

Advantage: Rihanna

David Lee Roth

Once upon a time, David Lee Roth got his sperm insured.

That’s right, Diamond Dave took out a million-dollar policy in case he accidentally knocked up a groupie during Van Halen’s early ’80s heyday. This way he wouldn’t be on the hook for child support should he slip one past the goalie.

This was a real concern for Roth — right up there with butt cheek windburn from those assless chaps he was fond of sporting back then — seeing as how the man’s bedsprings were as overworked as Nadya Suleman’s uterus.

Not to be outdone, in 2007, Rihanna had her legs insured for a cool million.

But, by that time, Tina Turner, Mariah Carey, Heidi Klum, hell, even Jamie Lee Curtis had all done the same. If you’re in the same company as a lady who hawks digestive yogurt, you lose a point here.

Advantage: Roth

Marilyn Manson

Marilyn Manson is to stimulants what a DustBuster is to all those potato chip remnants imbedded in a stoner’s couch.

Little known fact: If you slurp up a tablespoon of Manson’s blood, you will get so high, you will spend the next week trying to mint a currency for hamsters while simultaneously attempting to fashion a robe made of pizza.

For her part, Rihanna has been photographed smoking weed on several occasions and riding high atop the shoulders of a bald bodyguard with lines of a white substance spread across his dome.

Or, as Manson refers to it, taking it easy on a Tuesday afternoon.

Advantage: Manson

Gene Simmons

Kiss’ Gene Simmons claims to have had sex with more than 4,600 women — none of whom must have been aware of the advances in corrective lens technology.

Oh, lighten up!

We’re just kidding the God of Thunder!

He’s a very handsome man, in a swarthy, Chewbacca-in-grease-paint kind of way. If you find body hair to be an turn on — who doesn’t? — and ever wondered what it would be like to get it on with a yak, Simmons is your man.

And clearly, it works for him.

But, when it comes to objectifying members of the opposite sex, the guy has nothing on Rihanna, who treats dudes as if they were as disposable as a pair of edible undies.

Moreover, she always maintains total control during her many conquests.

“Give it to me like I want it,” she commands on “Roc Me.”

And she’s seldom nice about it.

“I’mma make you my bitch,” she tells her beau on “Birthday Cake,” right before devouring both.

But really, she could be addressing just about any of the dudes mentioned thus far.

Advantage: Rihanna

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@
reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.